The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Friday, May 3, 1974 - 9:20 AM

Yesterday started off and continued as a pretty high day for me, until late last night, when I got pretty bummed out. Let me review.

Kathy called me in the morning around 10:30 or so, said she'd come by around 1, after her doctor's appointment. I felt good about that.

Took a walk up to campus and back around 11:15. Said hi to Deertree and John.

Played some pinball, winning 5 or 6 games. Talked to Kippy a little. Came home around 12:30, to wait for Kathy.

She arrived at around 1:15, and came up to my room. I was glad to see her. We smoked some hash, and I brought up some orange juice. We just talked awhile, about her new house, the moving, etc., getting comfortable again with each other.

At one point she suggested going on a motorcycle ride to 35th Street Park.

I said sure, but we were still smoking. Soon I leaned over and kissed her.

She responded warmly, and we kissed, then hugged for awhile.

She was sitting in the low chair (a wing chair without legs), and I was in front of her. Soon, I pulled her up to me and hugged her, holding her straddling my lap. We were soon pretty aroused, and I removed her jacket, put my hands under her blouse and began caressing her.

Soon, she pulled my t-shirt up, and I took it off, and soon removed her blouse as well. We hugged and caressed some more, before we stood up, hugged and kissed, then moved to the bed, where we removed the rest of our clothing, and got into bed.

She has an incredibly nice body, which I told her later.

We lay together, kissing and caressing awhile, 'til I asked if she'd like me to eat her.

She said, "Sure, I'd love it," so I went down on her from the side, and ate her for a long time, while she caressed me. Eventually, I entered her on top, and we balled slowly and deeply for awhile.

I told her, "It feels so nice."

Soon I picked her up to a kneeling position, with her legs around me, and we balled like that for awhile, which felt very nice also, 'til finally I laid her back again, and we balled long and deep for a pretty long time, 'til we reached a good climax.

I'm not sure if she reached one or not, but I think she probably did. It was very nice, and we lay together savoring it for awhile afterwards.

We talked awhile about ourselves. She told me some things that worried me about her: that she's very vulnerable to arrest, for not having her car currently registered, not having a valid driver's license (the date has been changed to show her as 21), and her problems with welfare signatures, etc.

And I began to have second thoughts about being involved with her, as I could see the potential for trouble. Also, she's into shoplifting, and we talked about that for awhile.

At about 3:30, we decided to go out for awhile. She'd said she had to leave around 4:30. But as we were just dressed, I got a phone call.

It was Cici, and she'd missed the bus from school, and needed a ride home. I said I'd come and get her.

For some reason, I felt a bit relieved, was getting a bit freaked by my involvement with Kathy, and was happy for a good excuse for us to part while we were in a good place. I asked if it was cool, and she said it was okay, that she'd do some shopping on the Avenue.

We kissed goodbye warmly, and I left on Pegasus to get Cici.

Picked her up at school, but was cold, so came back towards my house, before taking her up to hers.

I spotted Kathy again on Telegraph as we came home, and stopped to talk to her a little more. She asked if we were going back to my house.

I said, "Yes, for a few minutes," and also directed her to Yarmo's, as she was looking for a nice blouse.

It seemed like she wanted to stay with me longer, but I felt it best to let things stand where they were, or I'd be split between her and Cici.

So I kissed her goodbye again, and Cici and I rode to my house, where I got warmer clothes, and then drove Cici home in the VW bus.

There, Cici went out for awhile, and I laid back, resting and spacing out for awhile, feeling pretty good.

I called Marcy's, to see about the money for Elizabeth.

Bob answered, had just tried to call me. He said he'd bring it up later, or in the evening.

I suggested that they all come up and socialize, but he said he'd been planning to paint some more, and didn't know about Marcy and her friends, who weren't home.

I laid around awhile, also helped Cici with her math, cooked up some dinner, and did the dishes.

At around 7:30, I called Marcy's house again.

This time she was home and came to the phone.

I asked how she was feeling, and she said, "Better."

And I asked if Bob had told them of my invitation to come up.

She said he had, but they were planning to go to San Francisco to some bars, and would probably do that instead. She also told me that she and her two friends would be leaving for L.A. early in the week.

Soon she told me she had to go, was cooking dinner, and that Bob would bring up the money later. We said goodbye.

I felt a bit disappointed, sad that she'd be away for awhile (two weeks or more), and that I probably wouldn't see much of her before she left. Hadn't felt much warmth or consolation in her call, and hadn't really gotten a chance to talk with her.

Watched some TV. The Bridge on the River Kwai was playing.

Bob called around 9:30, to say he'd be up within an hour. I asked if Marcy and her friends had left.

He said no, so I asked if I could speak to Marcy.

She came to the phone and we talked some more.

This time, I told her about Kathy and some of my reservations about the situation.

She responded a little more personally as we talked about it, but then she said she had to go again, as Turk and Steve were over rapping, and they were about to leave. But she didn't offer to call back.

She also said they might not go to San Francisco after all, would stay home, probably.

Also, I'd asked if we might get a chance to talk before she left for L.A., nothing "heavy," just to "make contact," even over the phone, if she didn't have any other time.

She said, "Well, I'll see you at the party on Friday night."

I said, "Okay," but was feeling brushed off, and hadn't really felt any warmth from her. So I asked, "Is everything okay? with us?"

She reacted defensively, "What do you mean?" or something, rather than reassuring me, and I was left wondering about the situation. She said she was busy with her friends and couldn't talk, so we said goodbye, leaving me in a very insecure and funny place with her.

I began to realize how distant she seemed, and how we really haven't "touched" since last Thursday, when I thought we'd gotten pretty close again. I began to feel that she's been withdrawing from me again.

Anyway, Bob arrived in awhile, but wouldn't stay to socialize, though that was okay.

After he left, I called Marcy again. I told her I felt we'd left things in a funny place, didn't feel like I wanted to leave it hanging until the party, wondered what was happening, and told her she'd seemed really "cool" to me.

Marcy got sort of exasperated, said she was feeling annoyed that I kept calling, that she was into a rap with her friends.

I told her we'd hardly had any contact for over a week, and I'd felt her coolness, and needed to reach out, wondered if she was doing another "withdrawal" trip on me.

She seemed defensive, unwilling to talk, so I asked if I could call her and talk tomorrow.

She said, "Alright."

I asked when would be a good time, and she said, "Early afternoon."

So we said goodbye, and I really felt bummed out, and have felt that way ever since.

I went to bed, didn't sleep well, had my mind on Marcy, and that situation, trying to understand why I felt so hurt by the way she treated me, and why she would treat me that way.

She made me feel like an "unwelcome intruder," rather than a friend. I felt avoided, abandoned, without any care from her. I know it's partly projection, but it sure brings me down. I'll reflect on this some more later.

Also last evening, Kathy called again. She said she missed me, had enjoyed our day together.

I told her, "I did, too."

She said she might come by today, before her Welfare appointment at 3:30.

I said, fine. I felt pretty good about her (though worried about the situation), but I'm still bummed out over the situation with Marcy.

Got up, after Cici went to school, came home, took a bath, and wrote this. Now for some breakfast.

11:30 AM

Had some breakfast, then came upstairs, where I've been rereading my journal for the last week about Marcy, trying to put my feelings into perspective.

One of the problems I feel with her, is that when we are apart, she seems to drift away from me, so that after a few days of not seeing me, she seems distant in the way she is with me. It takes awhile when we're back together to get close again. We hardly ever kiss hello. The situation seems changed from where we last left it. Also, she doesn't give any reassurance or care, except when we're pretty intimate.

Other times, she seems almost insensitive, emotionally, unknowing and uncaring about how I might be feeling, and unwilling to offer any care or consolation. I'm not sure how to handle this kind of treatment.

1:40 PM

Still bummed out. Called Marcy's around noon.

Bob answered, said Marcy was still asleep.

I said I'd call back later. But the last couple of times I've called, at 1, and just now, no one has answered. So I don't know if they're up and gone, or still sleeping, with the phone turned off, perhaps.

Drove over to Elizabeth's earlier to give her the money. Otherwise, I've been sitting here, feeling bummed out.

Told Bill what was happening for awhile, after he and Mike were in here smoking some hash. I took one toke and feel pretty stoned, but down stoned.

Just flashed on the question as to whether I should even call Marcy in this condition. Probably not, though I said I would.

Maybe I should just handle it as best as I can now, and be as high as I can for the party. But I'm worried about being able to deal with the party at all in the state I'm in now.

Maybe Kathy can bring me up between now and the party.

4:40 PM

Things are even heavier now. First I must review.

Around 2, I got through to Marcy's house. Debbie answered, said Marcy'd gone out shopping.

I asked her to have Marcy call me when she got back.

Around 2:45, Kathy arrived. I felt a bit better on seeing her, telling her I was "bummed out," and why. We smoked a joint.

She said she had to go in a few minutes. And she wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, so we decided to go for a short one. But by then, it was after 3, and she asked me if I'd go with her to the Welfare office.

I said sure, so we rode over there.

There, she had a lot of red tape to go through. Finally she got seen, but needed more data, and was sent away. She was upset.

She called her Bob, to tell him she didn't have time to pick him up, then we rode back to her car near my house, where we kissed goodbye.

She said she might get to see me next Tuesday.

I came home. It was 4:30. Called Cici, who'd called me. Her cat still hadn't come home, and she's invited to go to the beach with Leori tomorrow, and to stay over tonight.

I called Marcy. She was home. We talked.

She wasn't really open, but tried to be nice.

I said I was sorry about last night, and that it had bummed me out.

She said she was in a weird place.

I was as calm and mellow as I could be, told her I felt better now, but was really wondering what was happening. I said I felt that we'd been in a pretty good place when we last parted, but I couldn't feel any care or reassurance last night.

She said that I was right, that she had been feeling funny about me, feeling the relationship "had to change," and she had definitely been withdrawing from me, which I had sensed.

But she couldn't tell me why, that it was too complex, but that our relationship had been hassling her head too much recently.

I told her I'd have preferred that she be out front about it, rather than just withdrawing from me.

Anyway, she said we'd have to talk, that things would have to change, but she didn't say to what extent.

I asked her to be as clear as she could, as otherwise she'd leave me hanging. If we were going to lose that feeling of closeness, that would be a big loss for me, and one I'd have to deal with, though I assured her I could handle it.

She couldn't clarify it any more. While we were talking, Tom came in, and she asked if she could go, and we'd talk some other time.

I asked if she'd call back when he left, but she said, "Wait," and dealt with him then, and came back to the phone.

I related it to my feelings last night when she'd dropped me, without offering to call back, before we'd finished, and how that had made me feel. And I told her I couldn't understand the cool way she'd treated me last night, that I hadn't felt much like her "friend."

Finally, we said goodbye on sort of a low note, though not unfriendly. She wanted us to talk in a few days, assured me we would, before she goes to L.A.

I asked her to try to understand my position, and not keep me hanging too long.

Also, she said she was feeling bad about the party, and thinking of not going. It had to do with other reasons than me, but she didn't say what they were. She thought she'd go out with Debbie and Georgia instead.

I asked if a downer would help, offered her my last Quaalude, and she accepted, said she thought that would help her get through better. I felt funny about it afterwards.

I also told her I felt funny about coming to the party if she wasn't going to be there.

She said it was really Bob's party, not hers, and she didn't want any responsibility for it.

So it was heavy, worse than I'd supposed. She seems almost lost to me now, and this makes me very sad. I hope the talk comes soon, and that we can arrive at something mutually satisfactory, though I feel I have a lot to lose anyway.

I'd better just flow as best as I can in the meantime, not pressing her. Maybe she'll change again, in a more hopeful direction. Though with her going to L.A. for awhile, I'll be losing her anyway, though I'd felt I could have easily handled that, if we'd been in a good place.

8:50 PM

Have been reviewing my journal, the times since the Friday at Tilden, when Marcy and I reached a "new phase" of our relationship, and the deterioration since. Don't know what I could have done differently. I'm more resigned now to 'letting her go," if that's what needs to happen. Hope the situation isn't entirely over. She said she's still my friend.

Now I'm going to get ready to go to the party.

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Waxing and Waning
Sneaking Out
Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

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