The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Sunday, May 5, 1974 - 1:45 PM

Picked up Cici at Leori's, then we drove up to her and Penny's place around 6 PM.

Kathy called, while I was up there. She said she had a plan for sneaking out that night, wanted to come over.

I said fine, but first I had to check with Elizabeth as to her plans, so I'd know where I'd be staying. I asked her to call back.

Called Elizabeth. She was going to go out of town, so wouldn't be staying at Penny's. So when Kathy called back, I told her I'd be at Penny's house.

She finally worked out a plan for me to pick her up at her place. She told Bob she was going out with Marilyn, who is Mike's girlfriend. I'll go get her at 8:30.

I baked some more hash oil brownies before going to pick her up in the VW bus. Cici came with me, and we came on back to Penny's house, stopping for a bottle of wine on the way.

Cici was feeling pretty sick, so she went to bed as soon as we got home.

Kathy and I smoked some hash, drank some wine, listened to the stereo, sat on the sofa talking, and gradually got closer again. I don't remember what all we talked about, but after awhile I started kissing her. She responded, and we began caressing.

Finally, I said, "Let's go try out that waterbed," which I'd mentioned before, so we went to the bedroom, took off our clothes, and got in bed, and moved slowly into turning each other on.

After awhile, I started kissing and sucking her breast, then moved down her belly to begin eating her. She caressed me, then pulled me closer and began eating me too.

Eventually I shifted her over me, and we did sixty-nine for a long time with her on top, 'til finally turning around and entering her, with me on top.

We balled deeply like this for awhile, 'til I pulled her to a sitting position, straddling me, with me kneeling. Then, after awhile, I swung my legs around so I was sitting and she was sitting on me, and we hugged and balled like this for awhile.

Then I lay back, and let her ball me from on top, for quite awhile. She seemed to get into this, having the freedom to move and set the pace.

After awhile, I tried to get one leg over, but we couldn't pull it off, so she suggested a position, laying back on her side, with me on top, entering from the side, able to hold her and kiss her, and enter deeply.

We went like this for a long time, with her simultaneously caressing my balls, 'til we began to speed up, as we felt a climax coming on.

I had a very intense climax, which I could feel building up like a rush, a few seconds before I came. It was very nice. We lay together a long time, eventually pulled apart, then lay in bed a long time, caressing and talking.

I complimented her again on her fine body, told her she was a very sexy girl.

She talked a lot about her past loves, how as kids they broke each other's hearts easily. She'd left one boy for another without much thought, but had really been "blue" when her later boyfriend "changed," and didn't love her anymore.

Her parents thought she chased boys too hard, were shocked that she was into balling, and into shoplifting clothes. For awhile she was balling the guy next door, just because it was convenient.

She talked about her relationship with Bob some more, how he'd lied to her in the beginning, how he'd changed, and wanted to marry her so he could "own" her.

I talked about honesty, trust, and openness, couldn't see how you could have a good relationship without it.

We talked a long time about love, relationships, and how people fuck each other over, break their lover's heart without meaning to, how people express their love differently, so that others can't always feel it.

Kathy feels Bob doesn't love her enough, and doesn't appreciate her acts of love, such as making sandwiches for him, etc. And the reverse is probably true as well, so they both blame each other, and justify their own acts of betrayal.

I told her some of my reservations about the relationship we're getting into, that the only way I could have become involved with her was by her coming to me, as I'm not into interfering with other people's relationships.

But with her, as a free person, coming to me, I could accept her on those terms, but still have ambivalent feelings about it.

I told her I wanted to try to be open and honest with her, that I really dig her sexually, but I have reservations about some of her attitudes, which I can accept as valid for her, but not for me, such as her shoplifting, and cheating on her old man.

Finally we got dressed, went to the living room, smoked some more hash, and talked some more, 'til it was time for her to go.

On the way home, we talked some more about our relationship. I was worried about hurting her, wanted to be clear that while I find her sexually attractive, I also have reservations about some of her attitudes, don't really feel we're all that compatible, but that, "I love to ball you."

She said she felt flattered by that, got kind of a rush when I said it.

I also told her that she reminds me too much of Charmaine, and that scares me a lot.

So I'm having some questions about how heavily involved I want to be with her, and want to be sure I'm straight with her, both so as not to hurt her, but also so she doesn't feel like fucking me over at some time. It may be a delicate situation.

I dropped her off near her house. She was to meet Marilyn there and go in with her.

I came home and went to bed. Slept pretty well. Stayed in bed 'til 12:30 noon, when Kathy called again.

She said she'd gotten in okay last night, that no one had suspected anything. She said she missed me.

I said I'd been thinking of her too, which I had. I dig the attention she gives me, am flattered, but don't want to let things get out of control.

Also last night, I tried to make it clear that I wasn't looking for a close involvement with her, wanted to be free to travel, to see other girls, etc., but that I dig seeing her too, and talking with her, and feel an identity with her on some levels.

Today is grey and chilly. I got dressed, had some cereal there, then Cici and I finally came down to my house.

8 PM

Cici and I walked up to the Med, talked with Ken awhile, and with Elizabeth. Then we walked up the Avenue a little way, but came home because Cici was feeling tired and sick. Stopped to play a game of pinball, then came home.

We went to Park & Shop for some groceries, then drove up to Cici's house.

Elizabeth was here with a guy named John, who was working on his motorcycle, which has been kept in Penny's garage. He's a mechanic at the Grease Pit on Telegraph.

I hung out with them for awhile, then, when they left, came inside and have been reading back through this journal.

I've had the idea of offering to let Marcy read this journal volume, since it's mostly about my relationship with her, and I was trying to read from her perspective, to get an idea of how she might react to it. I don't know if I'll really make such an offer. I have ambivalent feelings about it.

On the one hand, I feel I'd like to share more of myself with her, feel also that it would be a rare opportunity for someone to see herself through someone else's eyes, one that I'd appreciate myself, and one that couldn't help but increase one's self knowledge. I'd like to give her such a gift, if she would accept it from me.

On the other hand, I don't know how it would affect her. She might be shocked at my recording so much about our relationship, and so explicitly. She might feel threatened by it in some way, and it might adversely affect our relationship as friends. I just can't know.

Also, our relationship's in a funny place now, and I don't know if she's feeling very open to me these days, or whether she ever will again.

And, also, there's stuff in here about other people, and it might be a violation of their privacy to show it to anyone else.

So I don't know whether I'll even make the offer, but it seemed like a nice idea. I think she would find it interesting, as I do, when I read back through it.

I cooked dinner for Cici and me, and then got stoned. Thought of calling Marcy to invite her and Bob, and her friends, up for a social evening, but know that I can't, with things in the state they are in.

She wasn't into it last Wednesday, or Thursday, and I know I mustn't call her again, until she gives me some indication that she's more open to me. I've got to wait 'til she gets in touch with me about our talk, which I hope she'll do.

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Waxing and Waning
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Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

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