The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Friday, June 9, 1972 - 7 AM - Berkeley, California

Dreams: A long dream where I was with Bobby and Ted Kennedy on a huge expedition. We are chasing some gangsters who may have kidnapped old Joe Kennedy. We have a huge caravan of ornate things that we're taking along. We're getting bogged down at one point, so both Teddy and Bobby get out some motorcycles and get going on those. At first they can hardly ride them, and run into each other, sending Bobby off the road out of control, but he regains control and they both go off ahead.

The gangsters have guns and at one point we've caught up but don't have any guns out. I help find the guns but have a difficult time finding bullets to fit. I find a large ornate automatic, can find only two bullets to fit it, put them in a clip and load it, and give it to one of the brothers, then go back for awhile to searching through all the other bullets for some that will fit some guns.

The two shots are fired (I'm not sure if I fired them or not) and two gangsters are killed, and luckily they don't launch a mass counter attack as I never do find more than one or two more bullets that fit, out of all these ornate, old-fashioned supplies.

Finally we're at this final location. I've shot one more gangster. Joe Kennedy is in this large room next door dying. He finally dies and it is time for the expedition to head back. We're trying to get the stuff together and it's holding us up. I feel "guilty" because it was my search for bullets and guns that has messed up the equipment.

Then also before we go, I find a tile on the wall, of a scene having to do with Daddy, which I'd previously seen a pencil tracing of. I show it to Betsy {my sister}. It's a symbolic picture. We then look for tiles about us, which are supposed to be there somewhere, but don't find them. The place has become something similar to Penniman's Point. I assume we finally leave, but I don't remember any more.

I had a terrible night trying to get to sleep. Penny didn't get home 'til midnight and I still couldn't get to sleep for hours.

12 Noon

Today is rainy for the first time in weeks. I'm somewhat down, find myself resentful toward Penny, who spent all day until midnight last night with Don, and who went down to his apartment about an hour ago, supposedly to return his change, and is still gone.

I'm into a "sour grapes" attitude of wanting to get this relationship over with, as she doesn't seem to be interested in me any longer. If we weren't going to Mexico, I'd be looking for a room to live in somewhere. I'm pissed that she won't do anything to help us get back together.

I'm almost at the point of forgetting about the Mexico trip and starting to find a new life. It doesn't seem that she has enough interest in me to make staying together worthwhile.

So let me review what else is on my mind as I start Volume 4 of this journal:

One, as mentioned above, is the deterioration of our marriage and our apparent inability to do anything about it.

Two, the proposed Mexico trip, which has frightening aspects for a hippie. The prospect of being locked up in a Mexican jail and forgotten about doesn't appeal to me too much.

Three, I find myself searching for someone to fall in love with. Leslie has my attention now, Linda has some interest, but others I haven't even met yet could sweep me off my feet. Also I've been hoping for a letter from Windy, to let me know that something is alive in that relationship.

Four, there's my continuing quest, a feeling of directionlessness, and the idea of starting Jungian analysis, which I'm leaning toward.

Those are the main things on my mind right now.

Saturday, June 10, 1972 - 10 PM

Some stoned wisdom: the idea of aggression; it is something innate in man, though I have long denied it, yet that's because I hadn't accepted it in myself. Yet I must accept it, make it conscious (thus becoming aware of my unconscious aggression), and then also recognize that "we are all one."

And recognizing this raises our consciousness to the level where we don't need to be aggressive toward each other. For if we are "separate," we do "need" our aggression (as a defense) to defend our separate domains, but if we can raise consciousness to the level where "we are all one," then we can redirect all that aggressive energy into positive (survival of mankind as a whole) use, just as a personality that is conflicted within itself is drawing valuable energy away from other more positive uses. And there isn't the need to be defensive if we are all one.

Like, I recognized that at some level I want to hurt people (Penny, for example, because she hurts me), even though that's not my conscious attitude. Yet at some unconscious level, I am doing it anyway (as she is with me). But if I can remember my identity with her (we are one), which is easiest to do with someone I love, then I don't want to hurt her at all.

But I have to make conscious the jealous, angry, greedy, petty parts of myself that "do" want to hurt her, before I can "disarm" them. They have to be recognized and accepted, or integrated into the personality.

I was also thinking about how the Church was into this; encouraging people to recognize their sins, confess them (to make them conscious), and thus get beyond them.

But the "we are all one" idea, also a religious doctrine, seems to have gradually slipped away. Maybe it is there, but we are blind to it. It is the idea behind the Golden Rule.

It seems like the Church tried to "mold" it into a rigid form, it then lost its meaning, and we have to rediscover it in new form.

That's enough for now. Except - I could see the value of confession. Is my journal my "confessor?" Suppose you kept a "confessions journal" which consisted of all the times you felt yourself feeling "evil" or "bad" by your own standards (not anybody else's). That would really be hard to do.

I guess in some ways we (I) "censor" a lot of these "confessions" from this journal, i.e., I'm not quite ready to accept them as part of me yet.

I'll have to think about this some more.

Sunday, June 11, 1972 - 9 AM

Dream: Had a long dream having to do with hypnosis. My boss (or teacher, or other authority figure) had just gotten into hypnosis and was enthusiastic about it. I told him I'd tried, but hadn't been able to be hypnotized, so he was going to give me a special session to hypnotize me. There was a lot of stuff he did which I don't remember, but he stood me a certain way, put some sort of wire frame on my nose, gave me something special to look at, etc. Then all these other people were brought in who were going to be hypnotized too. We were all lined up. I had to move a couple of times to get away from people who were creating distractions.

At one point a "tough guy" bumped me and was creating a disturbance. I told him off. He yelled threateningly at me. I yelled back, stood up to him, was prepared to fight, but I think the boss broke it up and sent him away. More strange things happened in preparation for hypnosis. But I don't remember anything happening, though I did suddenly feel in a different state. Then I woke up.

11 AM

Let me review. When Penny got back Friday afternoon, I told her I was angry with her, and we finally had a long talk. We reaffirmed our intentions to live separately after our travels. And we agreed to give each other more attention, and to try to communicate better in the meantime. Afterwards, we made love on the sofa.

That night, I helped Dorit fill out some forms, and Penny went out to play pinball with Don. Then Adele came by, and invited us up to drink some wine, so Dorit and I went.

I came back around 11:45 to see if Penny was back, and she was, so she came up too, and we stayed awhile longer, getting stoned. Finally we came home around 12:30, and made love again.

On Saturday, we'd agreed to take Adele's friends, Penny and Janet, to the San Francisco airport, and afterwards we went to the Zoo (Penny, Cici, and I, Adele, Trevor, and Frank). It was a nice day for it. Got home around four.

Last night, Penny and I went up to the bookstore awhile, and later came home, got stoned. Had some insights re: aggression, etc., some of which I wrote down.

Also I was into thinking about Leslie, and also about Windy, hoping she'd write me soon.

Finally we went to bed, and made love again.

Monday, June 12, 1972 - 12 Noon

Yesterday, Penny went off with Don again, so I was left by myself with Cici. She and I went out by car to various parks around Berkeley to see if anything was going on.

Actually, I was hoping to run into Leslie (which I did, later). We spent some time at Cordonices Park, then went over to Marsh and Karen's.

Marsh and Bob were playing guitars along with a record, and everyone else was sitting around drinking beer. I had a beer. Karen and Cindy went out shopping. After rapping with Steve a bit, we split.

They'd mentioned a Rock Concert at Provo Park, so I went over, and it was there I found Leslie with her friend, Kris. She seemed glad to see me too, so I sat with her, but the music was too loud for us to talk.

After they finished, I told her I had to split (as Cici was waiting), and asked if she had a telephone.

Then she asked if I'd like to come to her birthday party on Wednesday.

I said I might, and she wrote down her address and phone number for me.

I told her I'd call before then.

Last night we stayed home, read, and got stoned. I played my self-hypnosis tape, which is very good, better than the guy's whose class I'm taking.

Didn't sleep too well last night, but wasn't uncomfortable, was just in a meditative state for much of the time.

I remember part of a dream: It had to do with a baseball game. My team, which was a fairly professional team, was playing a bunch of ill-assorted people. It was the last inning and they got a few scratch hits and lucky breaks. Then this girl came to bat. She seemed to be batting from the outside the stadium, and it didn't appear that she could possibly hit one into the stadium, but she did, and the ball came over into the seats, bounced, and a guy on our team tried to field it, but it bounced away from him, and the winning run scored. We lost. Don't remember anything after that.

I've been thinking today of meeting Leslie this afternoon, and going for a walk or something.

10:30 PM

Called Leslie in the afternoon, and invited her to go to the park or something. She said she was going out in a while (up to the Botanical Gardens with a friend), but why didn't I come over there, as they were sewing, so I did.

We were pretty comfortable together, and talked about ourselves, with me doing most of the talking, about what I've been into, theological school, my peak experience, my changes, my religious and emotional side, my family situation, my love affairs, Jung, astrology, etc. She responded to most of this, and led me on.

She's 18 (19 on Wednesday), from L.A., is into astrology, organic food, Jung, meditation (her own style), various religious trips, etc.

I revealed more of myself than she did, but the vibes were pretty good, and though she didn't give me any real encouragement, she was friendly.

At one point I told her I'd been attracted to her right from the beginning. But she didn't give me any direct clues as to how she felt about me.

Also, we both talked about our summer travel plans, and she'll be going away for a fair part of the summer, it seems. So it doesn't look too favorable in the short term, but I'll just play it by ear. She said she's hoping to go to Colorado for the gathering of tribes, but doesn't know how she'll get there.

I finally split, telling her I'd come to the party Wednesday night. So it was an okay visit, but I'm not real encouraged about the possibilities. She was pretty cool and calm the whole time, but we did get to know each other a lot better.

Tonight I decided to paint the Tarot card picture of "The Lovers" on my small canvas, and spent the evening drawing it, first on a sketch pad, then on the canvas.

Penny was uptight and sort of bitchy this evening. I don't know whether to relate it to my visit with Leslie or not.

Jim called this evening. He's finally getting into Mexico. He wants to go to the gathering of tribes in Colorado also.

Tuesday, June 13, 1972 - 12 Noon

Penny was over at Dorit's 'til 6:30 AM. I wasn't able to sleep all night myself. Anyway, I got up with Cici at seven, bathed, got dressed, and had breakfast, with the intention of staying up. However, I got into reading Penny's book, and got sleepy, so fell asleep on the sofa. Then I went back to bed around 10 AM, until now.

I had a dream, the last part of which was very realistic. I was in Manchester N.H., back in my IBM days. I came back to my Volvo 1800s, started to drive away, and realized it wasn't my car at all. It was Cecil's old red Corvette, which was something of a wreck, and I knew that he had borrowed mine and left his in its place.

Anyway, I drove it into this indoor racetrack next door, which was a hangout of his, to see if he was there. You'd drive in one way up to a wall, then turn around (to make sure you could handle the car well enough), then you could get the go-ahead to go around the track.

I stopped to ask the girl who ran the place if she'd seen Cecil, but she hadn't. I told her what had happened. Then I left, but I didn't get far. I guess I was waiting or hoping for Cecil to come back, as I wanted my car back.

But it suddenly got very slippery out, cars were coming over this little bridge, then around a curve in town and skidding round and round. One guy's car (another IBMer) got hit twice just parked there. Hardly a car could get through without losing control, and there were a bunch of spectacular accidents that we were watching. I was pissed at Cecil, though, and worried that he'd wreck my car. And I didn't feel "up" to driving his car under those conditions.

Then I was getting worried about the lost time on the job, then was trying to remember what had brought me to Manchester anyway. Then I woke up.

In the segment right before, as I was getting into this car I thought was mine (but really was Cecil's), there was something else happening. There was this animal which looked like a skinny black and white spotted cat, but which really was, in the dream, a "LaSalle," which has the powers of a skunk. This other guy was doing something by the edge of the woods when it came over. He, not knowing what it was, shoved it away a few times, finally getting a bit rough. It then proceeded to raise its tail and spray him.

It was after this, as I was driving away, that I realized it wasn't my car. But there were keys in it, and I still had my own (present) ring of keys, so I figured Cecil had somehow jumped mine. I noticed that the steering wheel was smaller and I was in a narrow cockpit. There were earlier segments too, but I can't put them together.

1 PM

I'm having a conflict about what to do about Leslie. I am hesitant as to whether to "push forward" with her at this point. Though she was friendly yesterday, I didn't feel any real encouragement. Also the timing is poor, with her being away for much of the summer, perhaps, and me leaving soon.

Also, I'm not entirely convinced that I want her, even if I could have her. So I don't want to come on too strong, then leave her for someone else, who might excite me more.

So I think I'll throw a hexagram. "What shall I do with regard to Leslie?"

44 - Kou / Coming to Meet - "Of its own accord the female principle comes to meet the male. It is an unfavorable and dangerous situation, and we must understand and promptly prevent the possible consequences." "The maiden is powerful. One should not marry such a maiden." "...the coming to meet must be free of dishonest ulterior motives, otherwise harm will result." "Nine in the fourth place means - No fish in the tank, this leads to misfortune."

Changing to 57 - Sun / The Gentle. The judgment - "Success through what is small. It furthers one to have somewhere to go. It furthers one to see the great man." One must have a clearly defined goal.

This is a heavy hexagram for me. Yet it seems to speak pretty clearly, without ambiguity. 44 definitely raises a warning flag to me with regard to my relationship with Leslie. I think I must heed it and not push forward, but be honest with her if the question comes up.

The weak element referred to is probably in me. I don't fully understand the danger or the unfavorable nature, yet I can accept the possibility of it. Maybe I'm going too far to meet her (because of my own inner weakness). I'll stick to my own "domain" as recommended, and retain a say in how the relationship might develop, if at all.

57 / The Gentle seems to refer to my own development. Stick with it. "Success through what is small," i.e., my inner search, art, my journal, self-hypnosis, etc. "It furthers to have somewhere to go," i.e., the Mexico trip. To see the "great man" could refer to starting analysis with a Jungian Analyst.

I can accept the wisdom in this, and can recognize my reservations in the situation as valid warnings.

11:30 PM

Spent the rest of the day walking to campus, etc. Went to my self-hypnosis class in the evening. I was really hypnotized this time, I think, though I still wasn't completely satisfied by the class.

Gossiped with Dorit for about a half-hour when I got home. Penny was out with Don again.

Wednesday, June 14, 1972 - 5:30 AM

Dreams: First I'm with people in my family (Betsy and others) and we are talking about people who die young because of some disease. It seems to apply to Cici, but to other family members as well, maybe all of us.

Then I'm with IBM people talking about the same thing, and we're reflecting on people we've known who died early (and knew they were dying). There's the example of one person's sister who was pregnant, but when it came time to deliver, there was no baby, i.e., it was a hysterical pregnancy and this person was one who had an incurable fatal disease. Other examples are talked about.

Gradually the subject changes. I am back at the IBM office (a fictional one) with Don Lane, Cecil, and others. It's quitting time. I say gleefully, "I'm leaving." This is the first time I've been in the office in three months. The boss (Bryan?) asks if I know anything about that box of programs and listings on top of a cabinet. I get it down and look, and recognize them as some of Cecil's programs from Sanders, and show him, and he says "Oh, yeah," and remembers and decides to keep the latest listings, as the box contains two versions. Then I wake up.

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