The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Saturday, January 5, 1974 - 1 PM or so Cotati

I spent last evening at the Inn of the Beginning, and Tradewinds, the bar next door. Both were filled with long-hairs, but there were almost no women who were attractive to me.

I sat at the bar by myself from around 8:30 on, sipping beer, looking over the scene. An incident happened which, on reflection, relates to my dream of the fat kid taking over my house.

Around 10:30, as the band was getting underway, I spotted an attractive girl, the only one I really dug all evening. She was slim in body, small, and sexy, had frizzy long dark hair, and a cute face. She reminded me somewhat of Heidi, the singer, but sexier, and later I noticed that her ways with some of the men reminded me of Charmaine.

Earlier, this young fat kid had come up to me, introduced himself, said he was trying to make friends. I was cordial to him. His name was Chris, and I told him mine. Though I didn't notice it until later, he was just like the figure in the dream, needy, uncool, uncouth, pathetic, and emotionally retarded, but trying to make it. Soon he split, said he wanted to make contact "with some chicks."

Later he came back to the bar where I was sitting. I said, "Hi Chris."

He said, "What? You remembered my name. Nobody remembers my name."

Anyway, I finally went over and asked the cute girl to dance. We danced, but she hardly looked at me, though wasn't unfriendly. Afterwards, I asked her name (Juliette), and was starting a conversation with her, when Chris comes over, says to us loudly, "Hey, Ralph. Are you scoring?"

I didn't say anything, but she said, "No, we're just talking." But then she turned towards her table, and the conversation was over. I went back to my place at the bar.

Later Chris came over and started being jovial again. I realized I was quite pissed off at him, said, "Why don't you fuck off."

He acted hurt, wondering what the matter was.

I told him, "I'm pissed off at you. I don't need that kind of shit."

He said, "Aw, that's a real bring-down."

I told him he'd brought me down.

He said he was sorry, didn't mean to, asked, "What did I do?"

I told him what he'd said when I was talking to the girl.

He said, "I said that?" Then he left after I refused his offer to shake and make up.

Today, on thinking about it, the parallel to my dream became clear. In the dream I'd failed to shut him down, kill him, as advised. He represented a greedy, needy, immature part of myself. So I ended up encountering him, and shutting him down, externally, in the outer world.

Anyway, I later talked with Juliette some more. She'd been affectionate with two or more band members, and I'd had flashes of another groupie trip like Charmaine's. So I asked if she was friends with the band.

She said, "I'm their manager."

So we talked a little while. She lives in Glen Ellen, over the mountain.

She was friendly, but showed no interest in me, was obviously with one other guy in particular, so I left her alone for the rest of the evening.

I asked a couple of people if they knew Vickey and friends. No luck.

Went over to Tradewinds. Finally just sat down and spaced out over by the wall, as there was no one in whom I was really interested.

Three girls, all of more than average attractiveness, came over, half-included me in their conversation. One was down on her man, was bitching about the way he treated her. Another said, "No man is worth it," etc. But two of them seemed somewhat open to me, but I found no good way to get into their conversation. Anyway, I finally left, pretty discouraged by the evening.

I drove back out to Sonoma Grove, saw a housetruck with a loft similar to mine parked outside the gate, so I parked next to it and went to bed. But I didn't sleep well, was pretty cold. It may have been below 20° last night.

I got up after I heard them up next door. Went out and introduced myself to John, whose truck it was, and to Tom and Rosie, who lived at Sonoma Grove. They all seemed like nice people.

After making myself a cup of coffee, I went over again. They invited me in. I met Melissa, John's old lady, and Lisa, his 10 year old daughter, plus a 13 year old guy.

Anyway, they passed a joint around, and I soon got into a stoned rap with them all, covering a lot of cosmic ground.

I began realizing how much of a state of despair I'm in, and also the extent to which my emotional world had displaced most of my other worlds (the dream of the needy fat kid taking over my house).

Tom was into an enthusiastic curiosity and action trip, was studying at Sonoma State to be an architect, and was into Gurdieff, astrology, biological and astronomical models of reality, Buckminster Fuller, etc., and was really into figuring everything out with a passion.

I saw in my despair that the more you know, the more you don't know. You don't really get anywhere, all value is arbitrary, we project it, then chase it.

But he felt that was okay, he was into chasing "positive" values as he saw them, even though he also saw value in the negative.

John described an incredible Sesame Street episode with Kermit the Frog, and a super-scientist, with Kermit effortlessly producing incredibly complex design bubbles, while the scientist labored at elementary designs. But Kermit taught him better, but then his designs filled up all space, like technology, and he couldn't get rid of them, until finally there was a great explosion.

An insight regarding determinism, as with astrology: Tom said, "Your reality is determined. All you can change is your perspective," which gives you an infinity of open possibilities. I wanted to remember this.

After rapping a long time, I told them how hung-up in my emotional world I've been, told them this had been a high time for me, had helped me get a new perspective.

I thanked them, told them I'd see them again, then came home to my housetruck to take a nap. Felt I needed to be by myself to sleep or process for awhile.

I ended up processing, didn't get to sleep. I thought about the dream, saw that I need other things in my life than my emotional dimension.

Finding a woman to love has become my whole existence, so I become too heavy, too intense, to find a woman and keep her. I need to limit that aspect of my life. It's been taking over "my whole house," like in the dream.

Like Captain Kirk, I must take back control, before the whole "Enterprise" is destroyed by it. In that segment, the woman (or anima) finally helped Kirk save things when all seemed lost. I trust that mine will ultimately save me, despite the turmoil she's putting me through these days.

New possibilities for restructuring my life came to me. Though I'm beginning to see my "quest" and my journalizing as my main "occupation," I see the need for other things as well, such as learning to play music, or drawing, or painting. I should shift emphasis to these things, limiting my search for a woman to a smaller slice of my life.

I also flashed on Pam as a possibility. I do need a woman who's responsive to me, and one who's into living simply and cheaply, and one who believes in loving well.

It occurred to me that Pam might want to shift into such a lifestyle with me. I dig her kind of loving, and maybe she's had enough of the "exciting life" for awhile. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow.

Now I'm thinking of going home Monday, and restructuring my life.

7 PM?

Today I went over to the Sonoma Grove community house for awhile. Tom was there with a few others. I felt pretty much at home. They were rapping in front of the fireplace and passing a joint around.

A few women were there, and some children were playing. Most of the women I've seen here have seemed quite nice, as do the men. I like the community a lot.

A guy had knocked on my door this morning after I'd gone back to bed. I'd talked to him out the window. His name was Chuck. He was interested in my loft. I told him I'd be happy to show it to him later.

Anyway, he came into the community building, and I went over and said hi. Then he showed me his housetruck, on which he was thinking of building a loft. Then we came over to look at mine. He liked it a lot, was enthusiastic about doing it to his.

Later I met another guy named Jerry, saw Frank again.

Drove into Cotati again, to a coffee house called "the Hiding Place." Asked some more people if they knew Vickey and friends. Still no leads.

Met an attractive blonde girl who works there. I think her name is Deborah. She was friendly.

Checked out Tradewinds and the Inn of the Beginning again, but they were pretty dead so early.

Came back to the Grove, parked inside in an empty space. Some people have told me they think it will be cool, for a day or two.

It's raining now, has been off and on for most of the day. I tried to call Krista but the line was busy. Will try again in a few minutes. Made a cheese sandwich for dinner.

I like this place pretty well.

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