The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Friday, July 7, 1972 - 4:20 AM

I haven't been able to get to sleep tonight, and I don't even seem very close, so I thought I'd catch up on my journal.

Today has been a very high day for me. I've met a new girl, and am well on the way to falling in love again. Her name is Margarita. I met her up on campus, where I went after visiting with Penny and Cici for awhile.

I was sitting up there for quite awhile, reading the campus newspaper in front of Dwinnelle Hall. A folk singing couple started singing across from me, and soon I went over to listen. After awhile I noticed a cute girl who'd stopped to listen also, but didn't see anything I could do, so just got into the music.

Finally, I started to leave. Then she started to leave in the same direction (toward Telegraph Avenue). We walked nearby. A street preacher was preaching further up. We both stopped to listen.

I moved along again, pausing at another group where another person was preaching. She moved along and came past. I followed. She paused by Bancroft. I went by toward the crossing. She came too. We crossed together. She started talking to me, asking what that guy had been saying.

She'd broken the ice. We walked together and talked. I asked her name. She told me, and asked mine. We talked about ourselves.

She'd just gotten to Berkeley about three days ago. She's an actress from the University of Connecticut, and was with La Mama Troupe in New York. She lives on Ellsworth Street. I told her I live on Dana.

We both suggested we stop at Hardcastle's for some coffee. I told her that I'd seen her, had wanted to meet her, but was afraid of laying a "pick up" trip on her.

She said she'd wanted to meet me too, and was thinking of offering to patch the other elbow of my shirt, but hadn't. Anyway, we were both glad she'd broken the ice.

We walked on after coffee. I showed her my house and my room. A carload, with Michelle and Andy, had passed us on Telegraph and called my name, and I'd waved.

Then she took me with her to the Pancake House, where she thought she might have a job.

From there we went to her place, a rooming house I'd also looked at on Ellsworth. But she'd left her key and was locked out. So we walked back up to Telegraph, as she had some errands to run.

I'd already invited her to go to The Magic Theatre tonight, and she'd asked if I wanted to see Women in Love on campus tomorrow. I'd said sure. So we'd already booked ourselves up together a bit.

We agreed to meet at 6:30 and have dinner at John's Soup Kitchen, on the corner of Dwight and Telegraph, and I left her around four at Telegraph and Parker.

Then I went back to Penny's to tell her I wouldn't be coming over for dinner after all, then went to Park & Shop to cash a traveler's check. I got some kidding back at the house from Andy and Liz, but didn't mind.

Went over to Margarita's place at 6:15. We had some apple juice, smoked a joint, talked awhile, and left. We were opening up to each other about ourselves, telling our "stories."

Soup at John's was very good, and we finally left, heading up Telegraph, then down to Shattuck. We got our tickets, then went out and sat on the grass in the middle of the street, and talked some more.

A black dude came over, asked if I had a quarter. I gave him one. He sat for a minute, complimented me on my beard (he had one too), then left.

We went in, and talked some more in the lobby. We finally sat down. I got a bit uptight because she'd sat next to a guy who was into theatre and proceeded to engage her in conversation about theatre, etc. But I relaxed and flowed with it, and pretty soon the play started.

It was a heavy play, "Chamber Piece," and was very well acted. It went through a number of "reality shifts."

Afterwards, she invited me to her place for coffee. We talked some more, and shared more about ourselves. I told her a lot about my quest, my peak experience (rebirth), changes, past, ideas, etc.

She told me a lot about herself, her friend Rafael (who is gay), her ex "old man," Buzz, her life in New York, in Florida, her hitchhiking trip across the country, her family, her father's death. We shared a lot with each other, getting closer and closer.

I finally told her that I fall in love easily, could fall in love with her, but worried about coming on too strong, and I asked what she was feeling. Also, I'd taken her hand, told her she was beautiful, and she told me I was beautiful too.

But she indicated that she wasn't sure where she was about falling in love, that she'd been getting close to a lot of people quickly over the last few days, but she didn't close any possibilities either.

I also told her about my heartbreak over Windy, and my learning to accept that as part of the cycle.

At one point, she said she'd be needing to get to sleep soon, so after awhile I got up to leave. We hugged long and closely, and I kissed her (she responded), and we said goodnight. We'd also agreed to meet at 4 PM to drive up the hill.

I got home around midnight, and have been thinking about her ever since, fantasizing about all the things we could do together, like exploring the countryside, climbing mountains, going hiking, swimming, etc., and being lovers.

I don't think I scared her off like I did with Cher, but there is that possibility. We seem to have more of a mutual thing than I did with Cher, and I didn't come on so strong.

I'm trying not to let myself get too carried away too fast, though I do feel that this could be "it," what I've been leading up to, and wanting, and preparing for. So I'll just try to flow with it as best I can, and hope for the best.

On the way home, I saw a nice motorcycle for sale, which I could dig having, a Honda 305 in good shape, for $325.

So anyway, I'm pretty high about all this, but recognize that things are in a delicate and fragile stage, and could come to naught, so I mustn't push too hard.

Saturday, July 8, 1972 - 12:20 Noon

My relationship with Margarita has reached a very problematic stage. Let me review.

First of all, my day, before meeting Margarita at four, was spent in visiting Penny (who treated me rather coolly), and picking up my stereo and a few other things to bring over to my room. Then I took Andy to the doctor about his leg, and have been trying unsuccessfully to take a nap.

I picked up Margarita about four, and waited while she went into the House of Pancakes for her job interview. She was told she'd probably have a job in about a week and a half. Anyway, she was cheerful and friendly with me, but we stayed at an impersonal level for quite awhile.

We drove up Claremont Avenue to the top of the hill, and parked at the pull-off area where I've stopped before with Marsh and Karen, and with Windy, and we walked over the hill and down to the knoll, looking out over Berkeley, Oakland, and San Francisco.

Then we drove further, across the park, to Inspiration Point, where we stopped and looked, and talked some more. I asked if she liked hiking, and she said she did.

By this time, I was feeling the need to bring things to a more personal level, to find out where we were with each other, but I still didn't, and I was feeling myself becoming more pensive and withdrawn, sensing that something wasn't quite right.

We talked more about the beautiful countryside, and alluded to the possibilities of exploring it together. She asked if I'd been to Mendocino, and told me she knew some people there.

I told her of Compost College, our recent trip up there, and suggested we go up that way some time.

She said, sure.

We went down to Lake Anza, and finally down Euclid Street, where we decided to have some dinner on the North Side.

There, I finally brought the conversation around to us, our relationship, and my need to reach out, make contact, and my feeling that perhaps I had come on too strong last night, and might have put a barrier between us.

She said, no, that if I had, she wouldn't be here, nor would I, that she appreciated my "honest approach" to our relationship, and that things seemed to be fine as far as she was concerned. I felt reassured and closer to her then, so we left, but the doubts were to recur.

We walked down onto campus before the film. I asked her where things were with her old man. She said that it was pretty much over, that it had dragged on longer than it should have anyway, though they'd never officially "broken up." He was an actor also, now in England for the summer. She'd decided not to go. So that wasn't a problem with us.

We smoked a joint under a bridge, sat in a tree for awhile, and "liberated" the Men's room before the movie. The Ladies' room was out of order, so I took her into the Men's room, where there was only one other person, who didn't seem to mind. She was a bit flustered by the situation, but it was fun.

The movie, Women in Love, was very good, but very heavy, ending on a tragic note, putting me into a heavy and pensive frame of mind.

I brought Margarita to my house, where we had coffee, came up to my room, and listened to some music (Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, and Eric Clapton). We talked first about the film, and then about us, interrelating them at times.

I sometimes had difficulty expressing myself, but we spoke at a very open level about our relationship and how I was experiencing it. I told her that I needed to reach out again, that I was having trouble reading the vibes, that though I experienced her as being open to me, or acceptant when I'd be affectionate, I didn't experience any encouragement, and worried that I was pushing her. I told her that I thought of her as a potential lover, and needed to know if that were a possibility.

She said it was, but that she hadn't been looking for or needing a lover, that she was being open to a lot of situations and relationships, that she'd found her previous relationship to be somewhat "stifling," and perhaps most problematic for me, that she wasn't really into the physical side of love, had taken a couple of weeks to get it on with Buzz (who was aggressive) and was into living alone, self-sufficiently.

This explained a lot of things that I'd probably been experiencing unconsciously, that had kept me from being entirely at ease with her, but also raises a big problem for me. I told her that for me, affection and sexuality were an integral part of a love affair, and that I didn't quite know how to deal with this.

So I'm not sure where this left us. We talked it out as best we could, but left things pretty open as to where our relationship might go. I walked her home around midnight. I asked her if she'd like to hike around some tomorrow. She said she couldn't tomorrow, but would on Sunday.

I asked what she was doing on Saturday. She said she had to go to San Francisco to see some friends, as well as other things.

I asked if she had a phone.

She doesn't, so asked for my number, saying she'd call late Saturday or Sunday morning.

We hugged and kissed goodnight, and I left, not knowing where things might go. I told her I probably needed a day to think about us anyway.

On arriving home, I ran into Kay, just coming home from Jerry's party, which, she said, wasn't much of a party. Liz saw us talking and said, "Oh, it's you" to Kay. She thought it was me talking to my girlfriend.

She asked, "Where is she, anyway?"

I said, I'd just taken her home.

She said, "Oh, she's the kind of girl who goes home?"

I said, "I guess so."

She said something about shyness. I said it wasn't that, but I couldn't really talk about it.

I didn't sleep hardly at all again last night. I was tossing and turning, and thinking about Margarita, and the problems and possibilities of our relationship.

7:30 PM

I've had Margarita and my situation with her on my mind pretty much all day, and don't have much more clarity about the situation. I still feel it could go either way. It's problematic, but if we both feel it's worth working on, I think we could have a good relationship.

Went over to the apartment to do my laundry. Also picked up my speakers to put some music in the kitchen.

Penny was home the second time, and she was very cool to me. It turned out she was mad about my canceling out on dinner, and said she wouldn't be inviting me again.

I faulted her on her attitude, but didn't get anywhere. I left.

My mood is sort of withdrawn or introspective today, almost despairing, yet I know a good love affair could bring me right out of it. Yet I worry that I've already overlaid this one with a tone of too much heaviness and insecurity. I'd like to be able to be joyous and fun, but that needs a foundation of self-confidence, which I haven't been able to maintain.

I'm into seeing reality beyond its surface level these days, and am seeing the dilemmas and paradoxes which are beneath the surface. This bogs me down in confusion and tragedy.

Sunday, July 9, 1972 - 6:45 PM

Today has been a nice mellow day spent with Margarita. But first let me review.

Last night at our house, we had a fondue party with most of the people in the house, plus some friends of Kay's. It was a nice scene, with everyone having a good time, and drinking a lot of wine.

Cici called around 9:30, and we talked for about a half hour.

After people had left, I did some dishes, then went upstairs, and brought in a pipeful of grass to smoke with Don, who was listening to music in Barbara's room. We also smoked some of his hash, and got quite stoned. Kathleen came up and joined us too.

After awhile I excused myself to go to bed, as I hadn't got much if any sleep the previous two nights.

I didn't sleep too well last night either.

Cici called about 10:30 AM, and Margarita called about 11. She suggested we go to Live Oak Park to see The San Francisco Mime Troupe, who were doing a show, so we did.

I tried to just relax and flow with the situation, and did pretty well. We talked a lot, but stayed at a pretty impersonal level. But I was affectionate with her from time to time, taking her hand, putting my arm around her, caressing her occasionally, and we stayed pretty relaxedly together.

We were early, so walked around a bit in the area, and visited the museum. We saw her friend Nelson, with whom she hitchhiked out here, and he sat with us, but split after the show.

The play was really excellent, a political comedy about the heroin problem in Vietnam, The Dragon Lady's Revenge, and very well acted and put together.

Afterwards, we went to the North End for ice cream, then walked on campus for an hour or so, sitting quietly in a shady quiet spot for awhile, talking, exploring, being together. We talked about her Greek background for awhile. Finally we came back to the car, stopping in at a bookstore for awhile on the way.

Then I suggested we come back to my place and pick some blackberries, so we did, but didn't stay long. I introduced her to Michelle, and saw Liz too.

Soon Margarita said she wanted to go home and continue working on what she was doing yesterday. She hadn't gone to San Francisco after all, but hadn't felt well, so stayed in bed, did some mandala paintings, and got into reading The Trojan Woman.

So I walked her home around six. We parted affectionately, with her initiating the embrace, and I was able to feel her warmth for me. She thanked me for a really nice day, and I thanked her. She said she'd be in touch.

I told her, "Know that I'd like to see you anytime you feel like seeing me, but I also want to respect your privacy or your aloneness."

I also suggested maybe coming over to listen to music if she felt like it, tonight, and she thought she might. We kissed goodbye.

I'm feeling pretty good about the way it went today. I did tell her at one point that I sort of needed yesterday apart from her to "regain my balance." And I felt I was able to be with her lovingly without being "heavy" about it. I feel pretty good about the situation now.

Monday, July 10, 1972 - 10 AM

Had dinner with the house last evening. Afterwards, Mark and I came up to my room to play chess. Don and some people were up in Barbara's room. Mark beat me twice, and we got off into some interesting side raps. I showed him how to cast hexagrams with sticks, and we talked about "synchronicity" for awhile.

After awhile, my room became a gathering place for the evening. Harriet was moving into the room next door, and stopped over. I invited her in, she got stoned with us, and we talked about ourselves.

She's in a similar situation, splitting with her husband, and we were interested to discover our similarities.

Michelle and big Andy also came up, and Kay and Don, for a few minutes, and Kathleen, too. Liz stuck her head in also. I felt very good about having everyone visit.

We were talking about the house awhile. I said I'd found it a good house to move into. I told Michelle that I felt she'd really been good for the house, with the out-front way she's been talking with everyone, and bringing people together.

Also, I told Mark that I'd miss him when he leaves, and that he's been a mellowing influence on the house. At one point we all went up to the roof (out my window), and that was fun.

Finally people started going to bed, and some of us went down to the kitchen and rapped and munched for awhile. Michelle went and played her piano and sang for awhile.

I went out to listen, but then felt I might be invading her privacy, so came back to the kitchen.

Mark's evidently been sleeping in the shed recently, instead of with Kay (I don't know why), and I helped Kay make her bed before saying goodnight. It was a very nice evening, ending around 2 AM.

I slept pretty well, though awakening early, and don't remember any dreams.

I hope Margarita gets in touch with me before too long.

Tuesday, July 11, 1972 - 12 Noon

My spirits have been pretty high, but I'm beginning to miss Margarita, and worry about the relationship.

I feel like I'm being nicely told to "cool it," or that if she wanted me, anywhere near as much as I want her, she'd have been in touch by now. I just don't know where we are with each other now, though I did feel good about us when I last saw her (on Sunday). And maybe we can get back to that point pretty easily.

When I do see her, I don't know whether to just try to keep cheerful and flowing, or to get to the issue and talk about what we're feeling with each other. Also, I don't know whether to go looking for her, or to just wait (however long) for her to call. She did say she'd stay in touch.

On the other hand, I feel like I should give her as much space as she needs, yet I really want to be with her, and become intimate with her, and if she doesn't want this also, then what possibilities are there for us anyway? Oh well, I'll just try to hold together for awhile longer, I guess.

Yesterday, I took Cici to her swimming lesson at Willard Junior High, which went pretty well. We also went to the bank together, and visited at my place during the afternoon. Penny came over to get her later.

Penny told me of a guy she'd met, about whom she was excited. He has a yacht. He was going to come visit her last night. But he didn't show up, however, she told me this morning on the phone. She seemed quite disappointed, but figures he forgot the apartment number or something.

She was also very nice to me on the phone, apologizing for telling me she wouldn't invite me over to dinner any more, and definitely reaching out toward me.

Last night, I watched the Democratic Convention with other people in the house. I also talked awhile with Kay's friend, Kathy, whom I like, and also met and liked a friend of Michelle's named Robin.

So that's about where I am. Maybe I'll get a card to leave for Margarita if she's not home.

4:10 PM

Went over to Margarita's place, but she wasn't there, so I walked up to India Imports and got a card to leave at her door, a bird flying in a dark blue background. I wrote:

Dear Margarita, Thinking of you. Hoping things are working out well for you. Wondering when I'll hear from you again. Missing you. Love, Ralph

Had doubts about leaving it. If she's feeling defensive against me, then it could make her moreso. But it's the way I feel, and it's out-front, so I hope she can dig it.

11:35 PM

I'm not feeling too good right now. I'm upset about where my relationship with Margarita seems to be. I seem to be falling into a state of "torment" with her, that I can't seem to get past.

Tonight, I wrote a long letter to Gail, and waited and hoped for Margarita to call me. But she didn't, so around ten, I went out and mailed the letter, then walked up to her house. I guess I was just going to see if her lights were on, then decide whether to stop.

But a block from her house, I ran into her and Nelson, just leaving her house, heading for the Eucalyptus Grove. After some brief talk at the corner, they invited me to go with them.

At first I declined, then Nelson said, "Do come," so I said okay.

I almost excused myself a couple of blocks later, as I was feeling like an intruder, and awkward about the situation, but flowed with it anyway.

At the Eucalyptus Grove we smoked a joint, and another with a couple of guys from Michigan. Nelson wandered off by himself, and after awhile I suggested we go look for him. I really wanted to be able to talk to her alone, but we found Nelson sitting down by the stream.

They started talking, and I couldn't hear because of the sound of the stream. They explained that they were going to meet each other tomorrow somewhere at noon, for a job interview (for her), then go to San Francisco or Big Sur. Finally she said goodbye to him, so I did too, and we left him there.

We walked silently for awhile, until I said I was "confused." She asked about what, and I said, "about myself, about you, and about our relationship. I don't know where we are with each other."

I told her that I missed her, and was worrying about the situation. I felt that we'd parted on good vibes, but I'd gotten thinking about her, and missing her by last night, and today had been hoping she'd call.

We talked awhile, and she agreed that we were in about the same place as when we'd parted, which was a good feeling. She'd been very busy though since then, and had visited her Rose Street friends last night.

I apologized for coming on heavy again. I explained, and she acknowledged, that someone coming "too close" could cause someone to become defensive, and she said she wasn't.

She also explained that she'd traveled with Nelson, and they'd become close friends, and that they'd planned to go to the city and to Big Sur together.

We came to my house, and she suggested she walk the rest of the way by herself.

I said, "I'd love to walk with you, if I could."

She hesitated, then said, "I think I'll walk alone, but thank you."

So I said, "Okay," feeling she was testing me perhaps, in how "controlling" I would be.

So we kissed goodnight, and she said she'd get in touch with me Thursday or Friday. We split, with me in a confused or dazed state.

I'd felt pretty good up 'til then, but the parting left me feeling confused. I hadn't been anywhere near ready to say goodnight, when suddenly we were splitting.

I don't know to what extent the situation has deteriorated, or whether I'm just projecting this feeling onto it. But I definitely feel "down" about it on a gut level, in spite of what she told me. The way we parted seemed to undo the reassurances she had given me, and I no longer knew where we were.

I'm also getting the feeling that we'd better resolve the situation satisfactorily for both of us, or maybe we'd better just give it up. I feel that I need someone to love, but am not able to feel her love is strong enough, and can't go on this way much longer. My "emotional battery" would become drained.

I'll try to get through tomorrow and Thursday as best I can, and see how things feel then.

Wednesday, July 12, 1972 - 9 AM

Dream: I'm in this large building, part of which is used as a hangout by young guys and girls. There are a couple of girls who are very out-front about picking up guys. I'm laying down on my side, and one of these girls lays down behind me and embraces me. I roll over and accept her embrace. We start taking off each others' clothes, kissing and caressing. But we have to "move on" for some reason (there are other people around), and I grab my boots and clothes and we move on.

Her friend joins us, and we're doing a three way thing for awhile. But it's late at night and they're closing up this floor of the building, and we're supposed to leave, so we're going around from floor to floor, trying to find a place to make love, and stopping to make out from time to time before we move on.

At one point there's a guy who's a friend of the girls, and he's naked, and we embrace as well. He's embarrassed, but I'm feeling "open to anything." The building becomes an airline terminal, as well as a doctor's office, as well as having apartments with beds. We keep getting interrupted and moved on until we're finally outside.

At one point Penny was with us, and I remember yelling at her to hurry up and come on, at a point where I think I'd found a way to a private place.

Outside, there are some parked planes. We had thought for a moment that our only way out was to fly somewhere on a particular airline, but we don't have the right credit card. Outside, we're trying to hitch a ride, but there only seem to be official cars. I never really get to make it with these girls, but I feel close and natural and affectionate with them.

This dream seems to be compensating for my relationship with Margarita, where I haven't been able to feel close physically, or feel "wanted."

As I wake up, I am still sort of down about the possibilities with her and me. I'm confused. There's a gap between our verbal closeness and what I feel from her vibes. I feel kept at arm's length by an "invisible shield." I feel inhibited with her, and embarrassed about being in love with her.

11:40 PM

Today I took Cici to her swimming lesson, then visited with Penny for awhile. We were relating pretty well, so I told her of my situation with Margarita, and she told me where she was with regard to her "boy friends." We were feeling pretty close.

Also I was wondering why I haven't heard from Mary for so long, nor Windy, and hoping to hear from them soon.

This evening I went to my class on "Mythology; The Key to Dreams and Inner Experience." Kathleen came with me, and I enjoyed it. Most of the people were from San Francisco. We are to create a "creation myth" for next week's class.

Tonight, Liz's pocketbook got ripped off from her room through her first floor window. What a bummer.

Around six or so, I was sitting out front and Nelson came past. He stopped and we talked awhile. They didn't go to San Francisco after all, but baked bread instead. He was headed to her place for pizza.

I felt another twinge of "left-out-ness" or "unwanted-ness" with regard to Margarita. Nelson seems like a nice guy, but I can't deal with him except as Margarita's friend.

He also said their trip to Big Sur seems unlikely because of her job possibilities. She might work at Swensen's tomorrow, or start at Pancake House on Saturday.

My feelings about our relationship are still sort of down. I feel "discouraged" by her. I feel somewhat like an "unwelcome intruder" into her life, at least with regard to my feelings of wanting her as a lover.

I'll just have to see how it feels next time I'm with her, I guess, and bring up my problem again, perhaps volunteering to withdraw from her.

Thursday, July 13, 1972 - 9:15 AM

Didn't sleep very well if at all last night. Tossed and turned, was hot and cold. Thought a lot about Margarita and my disappointment in the way she's treated me. Still feel pretty discouraged about the situation.

4:30 PM

Margarita still hasn't called. I've been pretty blue about her all day.

It's been very hot today. I tried to take a nap after Cici's swimming lessons but couldn't. My rib is bothering me too now. I bruised it the other day in the car.

Finally I walked across campus and back, getting some ice cream.

At some levels, I've just about given up on Margarita as becoming my lover. She seems to be keeping me at arm's length. And unless we can break through and get straight with each other, I don't see much hope.

Friday, July 14, 1972 - 10 AM

Margarita didn't call yesterday. Naturally, I'm still pretty down about it. I've also noticed that I'm angry with her for treating me like this, or being so insensitive to my feelings. But I'm still unclear as to how to handle it with her.

Last night I had dinner with the house. About eight of us ate, including Katie, a girl who used to live here. She was Phil's girl, and is going to Palo Alto soon.

Also, a girl named Muriel, very cute, was here with Don yesterday, and this morning. Evidently she'd been in New York awhile, and is going to live on a farm in upstate New York.

Kay's friend Kathy was here last night too. She came to my room when she heard Cat Stevens singing his Greek song, told me she was Greek. I told her about Margarita, who is also Greek. She told me a little about Greeks.

After she left, I spent some time in Kay's room with Kay and Don, and Andy, watching the convention on TV, getting stoned, and rapping. Later, Kay and Andy were talking, and I left for awhile, but was invited back in before they finished.

Kay talked of her relationship with Mark, and how it had deteriorated, 'til he'd moved out, and now was leaving. She felt bad about the kitchen conversation earlier, where she was accused of "taking care of" all the men of the house, and she resented it.

Andy was telling her that she takes too much onto herself. I agreed, and reassured her as best I could, that her presence in the house was positively appreciated.

Anyway, I felt closer to her, somewhat attracted to her, but don't know what, if anything, to do about this either.

Earlier in the evening, I played another game of chess with Mark, which I won, finally, after blowing an earlier advantage.

I slept not too well, but okay. Don't remember any dreams.

4:45 PM

Still no call. I don't know if we have a date tonight or not.

Didn't do much today. It's been another scorcher, uncomfortably hot. I used Kay's car to pick up Andy and take him to the hospital.

Sat around this afternoon, reading Jung, and rereading my old journal (around March, 1971). Feeling pretty down.

Saturday, July 15, 1972 - 10 AM

Margarita never called. I don't know what's happened. Around 6:30 last evening, Liz came up, saw I was moping, and listened to my sad story.

She seemed to think there wasn't much hope. She told of some of her similar disappointments. I felt a little better after talking it out with her. But I still expected Margarita to call sometime Friday, as she'd promised, unless she's gone away somewhere, which I doubt.

So I spent last night, first getting stoned with Kay and Don in her room, then, after they all went out to see Clockwork Orange, I was with Mark, listening to music and having a good rap, about the spiritual quest, religion, love, falling in love, etc.

We were listening to the Rolling Stones new album, and I was seeing the trip they were on, which seems like a "devil" trip in some ways, i.e., "This world is so fucked-up, you might as well have fun and take what you can get out of it." The idea of "love" has been lost or discarded.

Had another wet dream last night, but without even knowing it, or remembering it.

I'm not sure what to do about the Margarita situation if she doesn't call.

Sunday, July 16, 1972 - 1:45 PM

A lot has happened in my emotional life since my last entry.

First of all, the situation with Margarita has been resolved, negatively but nicely. She didn't call me, so I went out looking for her around 2 PM. She wasn't home, so I found her working as a hostess at Pancake House.

I told her I knew she didn't have time to talk right now, but asked "Are we still friends?"

She said, "Of course."

I said I'd like to talk with her sometime soon. She said, "How about at five?"

So I said, "Okay."

After going to the Flea Market with Liz, Kay, and two friends of Liz's, I went to Margarita's at five. No one answered, so I went up to Pancake House, but she wasn't there.

A girl named Kim said hi, and I went over to her van and talked with her. She's from Seattle.

Then I went back to Margarita's, and this time she was there. I got down to the issue pretty quickly, telling her I thought we were good enough friends for me to share my hurt, discouragement, even anger with her, and I told her how I'd been very blue this week since she hadn't called me in five days.

It gradually became somewhat of a defensive argument until I said, "I don't see why we should be arguing about it."

Basically she said that she lives in the present, and doesn't try to order the future, that while she enjoyed being with me when we were together, she was always open to new things and experiences, and she wasn't into commitment.

I told her that it was her who'd volunteered to call me "Thursday or Friday," and it was her who said she'd "keep in touch."

We talked about our "relationship" for a long time. I told her I thought I'd made it pretty clear what I was looking for, and that she hadn't been "direct" with me. I told her I'd have rather she'd said something Sunday or Monday, rather than keeping me hanging all week.

Anyway, I (we) finally concluded that we were looking for different things from each other, and neither of us could be what the other wanted, so we said goodbye.

I told her I'd send her that passage from the I Ching, and that I thought we were still friends, but that I'd have to look for someone else.

Though sad when I left, I felt better afterwards. Liz saw me coming home, and invited me in with her, Kay, and Leslie to talk about it, which I did, feeling okay about it. I do feel I handled the whole relationship to the best of my ability, and did my best to love her well.

Last night, we all decided to go out to hear some music. We (Liz, Kay, Leslie, Mark, and I) started for The Monk to see Boz Skaggs, but there was a long line, so we went to The Longbranch, where two bands called Fluid Drive and The Rocketts were playing. The latter were very good, and the former were okay.

Liz and Kay were down on it at first, because there were hardly any other people there, but after awhile, people started filling the place up, and I had an incredibly good time.

I danced first with Liz, later with Kay, and a few times with some girls I met there.

One was Cheryl, who was thin, blonde, and very attractive to me. She stroked me affectionately as we passed, and when she came back, I asked her to dance, and we did for awhile. She came from San Francisco with some other girls, has an old man who's an artist. We went outside for some air.

Pedro, a friend of Liz's, was there and had joined our table. He wanted to smoke a joint, so a few of us went to the car and did. Then he and Cheryl got into an argument about karma, which went on for about 45 minutes or so.

I finally broke it up, and we went back in. Everyone else had already gone back in. I really liked where she was, and agreed with and backed up her arguments, but I didn't get to say very much. She and Pedro dominated the scene, so I didn't get to reveal much of myself to her as I'd have liked to.

After we got back in, another guy asked her to dance, and hung over her for the rest of the night. I told her at one point that I'd like to talk with her before she split, and she said okay.

Then I went and asked another cute girl I'd noticed to dance, and we danced a few dances together without talking about very much. Her name was Terri, and she lives in Berkeley. After the last dance, I said to her, "I'd like to know you." She said she'd like to know me too.

I told her that if she gave me her number, I'd call her, or I could give her my number, which I did, and which she memorized (I hope).

I went over to Cheryl, who was still with this other guy, and asked if we could talk. So we went outside. I borrowed a pen, and gave her my number too.

While I was looking for a pen, Pedro had found her and "moved in" on her, and he gave her his number too. I don't know where she was with him. They'd argued strongly, and there was some energy there, but hopefully she was more attracted to me than to him, but who knows.

Anyway, I told her that I knew she had an old man, but I really dug her, and wanted to know her in whatever relationship was cool with her. She seemed warm to me, and I hope she'll call, but I don't know.

I could be open to a relationship with either her or Terri, though think that she would be a "heavier" person to get involved with than Terri.

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Preface

Beginning

Cast

Latest Entries:
Waxing and Waning
Sneaking Out
Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

Go back to:
June 1972
July 1972
Aug 1972
Sept 1972
Oct 1972
Nov 1972
Dec 1972
Jan 1973
Feb 1973
Mar 1973
Apr 1973
May 1973
June 1973
July 1973
Aug 1973
Sept 1973
Oct 1973
Nov 1973
Dec 1973
Jan 1974
Feb 1974
Mar 1974
Apr 1974
May 1974

Began Jungian Analysis here, and ended it here

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I Ching commentary.