The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Thursday, December 20, 1973 - 9:10 AM

I feel as blue, hurt, and down as I've been in a long time. Last night I couldn't sleep, could only lay in bed with my mind on Charmaine, wondering how she could treat me so coldly and cruelly when she knows how I'm feeling, and crying or being on the verge of crying most of the night.

Let me review what happened last night. David came up and invited me down to get stoned and drink some rum.

I told him I was feeling too blue to be sociable.

He asked what the matter was, so I spilled a lot of the hurt I was feeling over Charmaine, and he was a good listener, telling me of similar experiences of his, and of situations where he'd hurt the girl too because he didn't take them seriously.

He urged me to work it through on a rational level, see what's happening, and accept it.

I said I'd done all that, but on the emotional level it still hurt like hell, and I couldn't understand why she treats me like a stranger. I told him we'd had a high and beautiful time together for awhile, and I couldn't believe how much she's changed so soon.

Anyway, talking with him brought me up to the point where I was able to go down and smoke and drink with him and Chuck, Bill, and Arlene.

Chuck split after awhile, and for awhile David and I were alone together again, and we got into more close relating about love, Southern girls, and my hurt in particular. Bill joined us, and I let him know where I was over Charmaine as well.

Anyway, we got quite stoned and drunk. Mike and his friend JC arrived too, and joined in. Pat was also there for awhile.

And I was doing pretty well handling my blues 'til Charmaine arrived with Frog and Rick. This could have been okay too, if she'd cared to make it so, but after a hi to the group, she just stood over by the refrigerator while Frog and Rick sort of socialized.

After a few minutes, I couldn't deal with her coldness, got up and went over to her and said, "Are you just going to ignore me all evening?"

She said, "I said hi."

I said, "Well, thanks a lot."

Then, when she didn't have anything more to say to me, I left and came upstairs, lay on my bed and cried. I hoped she'd come up and talk to me, but she wouldn't, and after twenty minutes or so I felt able to go downstairs again.

This time I stood by the refrigerator. She was standing a few feet away. After being ignored by her for another five or ten minutes, I came upstairs again. They left a few minutes later.

I came back down, sat next to David. We exchanged glances. I said, "God damn. She treats me like I wasn't there." He sympathized.

We drank awhile longer until I came up to bed around midnight, but I couldn't sleep all night.

Penny never came over or called, which surprises me, but doesn't worry me. I feel secure enough about her basic care for me that it doesn't really bother me. I'm sure her intentions were good.

Anyway, it's been a long down night. I've been wallowing in hurt, and self-pity, don't feel very lovable nor very together at this point.

I hope Charmaine will show me some care soon, or I'm afraid I'll end up hating her. I can already see her as a cold, cruel, insensitive bitch who used me, if I let myself, but I'd much rather remember the warm loving part, and believe in that part. I've tried to contact that part but just can't seem to get through much anymore.

Like last night, she could so easily have made things okay, by coming over to me, touching my shoulder, saying, "Hi, how are you doing?" I'd have felt good, would have told her I was feeling better, which I had been until she came, and that would have been all I needed. But she couldn't even do something like that. I just can't understand why. Is she really that insensitive, or does she just not care?

5 PM

I've been pretty blue all day, but with some good moments too. I think my frame of mind is a little better than last night.

I got up fairly early this morning, hadn't been able to sleep anyway. Took a bath and wrote my journal.

Then I reread my journal from the night of our death / rebirth experience on. There were a couple of good days, then things got progressively worse with our relationship. Vicky's party seemed to be a turning point. From then on I've had the blues pretty bad, but may have hit bottom last night.

Went to the Med. Stopped and rapped with David at Chuck's truck on the way. Told him I was feeling a little better, but still blue. Thanked him for listening to me last night.

Met Diane coming up Telegraph. Told her our daughters had met a couple of days ago.

Had coffee at the Med by myself. Then walked up Telegraph and down feeling blue. Came back to the Med and found Penny there. She'd stopped by at my house, but I had gone.

She said she was sorry she hadn't made it over last evening, but had gotten stoned, and other things had happened.

I told her it was okay, then filled her in on what happened with me and Charmaine yesterday, and how low I'd gotten

Penny pointed out that I was into my old pattern again of pushing away the ones I loved.

I told her I just wanted to get to a point where we could be friends again, hadn't felt I was asking much of Charmaine.

She said I had to take responsibility for my own emotional well-being, and that I shouldn't expect others to do it for me.

I told her that Charmaine and I had made a commitment to "take care of each other," that if I couldn't call on her in my time of greatest need, then what kind of friendship did we have?

But I saw the points she made, recognized their validity, and knew that I was into an old pattern.

Yet I feel a need to test to see if there is anything left for me, like caring or friendship from Charmaine. She hasn't given me much in the way of friendly vibes recently, but perhaps I'm oversensitive, in fact, know that I am, but have only my feelings to go by in the end.

So Penny and I had a good talk.

Before we left the Med, Frog came in with another girl and sat near us. As we left I said hi. Told him I was sorry I'd been such a drag the last couple of days, but that I'd really been feeling the blues.

He said, "Oh? I couldn't tell. Maybe we should talk about it sometime?"

I said, "Yeah. That would be good."

I rode with Penny down to Shattuck Avenue while she shopped, then to her house, where we talked some more.

Finally I walked home, feeling somewhat better.

There was a letter here for Charmaine, so I tried to call her to tell her, but she wasn't home.

And I got a Christmas card from Meredith. She asked me to drop over sometime, so I decided to do some visiting this afternoon.

I rode first to Karen and Marsh's, but they weren't home. Then I went to Meredith's. She was there. A guy named Richard, who was an old friend, was just leaving.

She asked how I was, and I told her the story of my love affair with Charmaine, and my current blue state. We rapped a little about such things, with her giving me some balancing points of view. She also told me how bad things had gotten with her husband, Mark Lee.

After awhile I said goodbye. Meredith said she'd be working tonight at the Cheshire Cat, and I should come over.

Went to the Post Office to pick up a package from Betsy and Al. While there I saw Heidi, the singer, in another line. We waved. When she'd finished, she came over and we talked. She was friendly, said she'd be at the Oddysey Sunday night, that I should come.

I said I might.

Stopped by Charmaine's on the way home. No one was home. Came home.

Walked up to the Med. Saw Cyrina and David. Stopped to say hi. She said she thought I was sexier without my beard.

At the Med, I talked with Susie and Krista. Susie asked about Charmaine.

I told her it was over between us, that I had the blues again. They sympathized.

Susie said they might have a small gathering on Sunday night, and if so, I'd be invited. They both said they liked my beard.

Crossed the street and saw the mellow guitar group playing on the sidewalk. Stopped to listen. Terri, the redheaded gal, was very warm towards me. During a break, I went over and talked. Asked the name of their group.

They said, "Foxtail Snow." Their names are Peter, Terri, and Lisa. I told them I'd really had a high day that first time I'd seen them.

Chuck and David came past, and I pulled them over to listen to a song.

Afterwards, I played some pinball, and came home.

Called Charmaine's house. She wasn't home, but Jeannie answered. I left a message, that I had a letter for her.

Charmaine just now called back. I was mellow with her. I apologized for the way I was last night.

She said, "That's okay. You were upset."

I told her I was in a better frame of mind now. I still wanted to talk to her, thought I could be mellow about it.

She said okay, but didn't say when. She said she was going over to Silas's tonight to hear that tape. She'd stop by for the letter around 7. We said goodbye on more friendly terms.

I feel a bit better now.

7:30 PM

Went downstairs, played some Twixt with JC. Beat him two out of three before he, Mike, Marty, and Arlene went out for Chinese dinner. I made a cheese and lettuce sandwich for dinner.

Charmaine came around 7:10. We were okay. I didn't lay any trips on her, but hugged her, and wished her happy birthday for tomorrow.

She said she'd been getting loaded on beer all day.

I apologized for being "a shithead" last night. She said it was okay. We parted friendly, with no heavy vibes.

11:30 PM

I'm going to bed. Spent the evening downstairs with David, Joe, Bill, Arlene, Marty, Sue, Mike, and JC, until Mike left to drive JC home. Got drunk on Joe's brandy, smoked a joint and some hash oil. Watched TV for awhile, then hung around in the kitchen while Marty baked.

I felt a lot better than last night. I think I've finally accepted losing Charmaine. Though the thought of it still makes me really sad, and tears come to my eyes as I write this. At least I've accepted letting go, letting things happen as they will.

I've seen that I can't make Charmaine care about me, unless the impulse comes from her. If she wants me again after the way I've been recently, then I should count it as grace. If not, then I should move beyond her to my next focus.

I've experienced the best of Charmaine I'll ever know. Things will never be like they were in the beginning anyway, and that's when she really made me high. But I still think we have a bond on some level that I'll always be open to, even if she never is. I loved her my best, always gave her my all, have no regrets.

There's nothing further I can do, but wait, without any expectations, being a good friend, hoping that some relationship that is satisfactory for both of us might develop. Yet not being attached to that possibility, going on about my life without her. I think I'm ready to let her go.

I want to put down some of the other memories and thoughts I have about Charmaine:

I remember the "British" girl I first met, her intense looks, her enthusiasm for me. The many selves she grew into. The sexy playmate who wanted to "do everything" with me, our constant touching, kissing, and hugging. "I love you, Ralph." I remember just the way she said that in her Southern accent. The first night we were together she said, "I hope it's not just a dream. I hope you're still with me in the morning." "Me, too," I'd replied. Initiating the housetruck. Our trip to Santa Cruz. My constant hard-on while with her. Another quieter self, laying in bed, smoking a cigarette, telling about her life. The pretty one, making love - the charming one, making friends, into everyone's trip, knowing just how to be. The groggy, unresponsive morning self, except for that first morning, when we knew it was real and were high on our love. Bathing together, her ticklish legs, sensitive ass. And many more memories, but that's enough for now.

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