The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Saturday, May 4, 1974 - 10:20 AM

The party at Marcy's house on Bob's birthday was both a high time and a sad time, for me. My feeling of losing Marcy weighed me down most of the time, though she was nice to me, and pretty friendly for most of the evening.

I got there about 9:30. Things were pretty quiet, though people were beginning to arrive. I gave Marcy the Quaalude I'd offered her, and she took it.

She said she was still "pretty freaked," but seemed to be handling it okay. I still don't know why she was freaked. She and her friends ended up staying at the party after all.

At first, I stood around by myself, drinking wine, not finding anyone I wanted to talk to. Marcy came by a couple of times, and asked how I was.

I said I was okay. I appreciated her concern.

After awhile, I sat down in the basement room where the band was playing. The guys we'd seen on campus that last Thursday were playing. I just sort of lost myself in the music for awhile. Marcy was sitting nearby, and she introduced me to a girl named Kate, who was sitting next to me.

As the party filled up, there were more girls who were attractive to me. Eventually, one sat down near me, and we noticed each other. Later, we talked in the kitchen. Her name was Cathy. She's from Baltimore.

I told her I was born there.

She has a two-year old son. We danced a little in the basement, but she was getting pretty wiped out.

Bob and another guy took off their clothes, but others only halfheartedly followed their example, for awhile. A girl took off her blouse. I took off my shirt, but Cathy wasn't into it, so I didn't go any further, until later.

Cathy told me she was a friend of Bob's.

I told her I was a friend of Marcy's.

She'd baked him a cake, which disappeared fast. We got pretty affectionate for awhile, hugging and kissing, and holding onto each other a lot.

But after awhile, she sort of crashed out in the bedroom, said she was wiped out, needed a ride home.

I told her I could take her, so I did.

Kissed Marcy goodbye, told her I'd probably be back. I guess it was around 1 or 2 AM by then.

I drove Cathy to her house in Oakland, on 43rd Street. Came inside with her, where I gave her my address and phone number, and wrote down her address. She doesn't have a phone.

She said she'd call me some time. We kissed goodnight, and I drove back to the party, which was still going strong.

In the living room, a few people were dancing in various stages of undress. I got into this group, attracted by a pretty girl named Nancy, who'd taken her blouse off.

At the right moment, someone said, "Come on, let's drop 'em."

So I said, "Yeah," and started unbuckling my belt, and taking off my jeans, and others followed suit, so six of us, three guys and three girls were dancing completely naked for awhile in a circle, and digging it.

The girl on the other side of me was named Nancy, too. We also got into touching and feeling each other. I enjoyed it, was aroused, had a hard-on or half-hard-on most of the time. One couple laid down on the floor and started balling. But the circle broke up, and the rest of us put on our pants.

I went and sat with Marcy in the bedroom for awhile. She said she was freaked again, at something that had happened.

I asked what, but she didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't press her, just sat quietly with her for awhile.

Later I sat with Nancy awhile. She's up from L.A. for the weekend, staying next door, was digging the party.

Soon most people left, and a bunch were crashed out on the living room floor. Bob had left with someone, as had Georgia and Debbie, Marcy's friends from Chicago, whom I'd met earlier. Georgia's quite pretty.

I sat with Marcy awhile until she went into the bedroom to talk with Cindy for awhile. I laid back on the floor resting, wanting to wait until she came out before I left. Tinker the cat crawled up on my lap and slept.

An hour or so later, Marcy came out. I got up and started putting on my shirts, boots, and jacket, and hugged her a bit, as she was cold. She seemed a little down by then, and quiet, withdrawn.

I asked if she'd come home with me, as Bob was out with someone else, and Cindy had said something to her to indicate it was okay with her, that she'd take care of things.

But Marcy said no, she couldn't, as it was her house.

So we kissed goodbye. I told her I hoped we were still good friends, that she's the best friend I have right now.

She told me to drive carefully. She seemed friendly, but a bit distant again.

I left. On the way home, I thought of Marcy, and started crying most of the way home, and for awhile after I went to bed, over the sense of impending loss I feel about her.

When I think of that Friday in Tilden Park, when she gave me so much love and affirmation, it seems inconceivable that she'd be withdrawing from me now.

I wish I could understand how she's feeling, and what's happening with her. I sometimes have the feeling, that on an unconscious level, she loves me more than she's willing to let herself admit on a conscious level. I wish she could let herself love me more.

I looked at the clock when I got home. It was 5:15 AM. I slept okay until 8:30 or so, when I was awakened. Eventually, I got up and bathed.

Basically, I had a good time at the party. Was glad of meeting Cathy, may get something going there. Felt pretty good about the way Marcy was with me. But now I feel I must leave her completely alone, until she calls to set up our talk.

She said she would before she leaves, and maybe things can mellow out with her in the meantime. I hope so anyway, though I'd probably better start accepting her loss, at least over the next few weeks.

She still wears the pendant I gave her, every day. Maybe there's still some hope.

1:15 PM

Kathy called around noon, as I was about to go out for a walk. She was talking very quietly so the others at her house wouldn't hear her calling me.

She's working on their house today, and they may go to Antioch. She just called to say hi and see how I was.

I told her about the party last night.

She asked me if Marcy had told me what was wrong, and I said no, not yet.

I was glad she called, told her I like her calling me. We said goodbye after awhile.

I took a walk. Found myself feeling pretty high, despite my lack of sleep, and despite the situation with Marcy. I may have cried out enough of my grief last night, though I still find tears come to my eyes when I look at her picture and think about her.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty good, humming to myself, "Listen everybody, love is everywhere..."

Stopped and visited with Vicky for a little while at the T-shirt store.

Then I saw Kevin. He said his motorcycle had been stolen, but he'd recovered it after a couple of weeks. We talked awhile.

I walked on up to the Med. Waved hi to Diane.

Walked up to campus and back. Played some pinball. Stopped for some coffee at the Salamander with Kevin. Then came home.

But now I'm bored, don't know what to do with myself. I may go look for a softball game or something.

Oh yes, Penny called yesterday at her place. She'll be getting home Tuesday night.

5:15 PM

Took another walk up to the campus and back. Bought a new journal book, some patches for my pockets, and a new pair of jeans. Didn't see anyone of interest, but got a couple of interested looks from girls.

Tried to call Jane, but got no answer. Decided to ride over and visit Cathy from last night.

She was home, with her son, Rob. She still wasn't feeling well, after last night, had drunk too much. I told her I was feeling pretty good, despite only a couple hours sleep.

We gradually got into a long rap about ourselves, about Bob and Marcy, and their kind of relationship, about me and Marcy, about her and another guy who has another "old lady," about relationships, loving, etc., about kids, raising them, about my changes in Chicago, the five of us, my relationship with Penny, and much else.

We got to know each other a lot better, and liked each other pretty well, I think. I was there for a couple of hours, and we talked all the time.

Finally at 5, I decided to leave. She said she was glad I stopped by.

I told her to call me anytime. We said we should get together some time.

We kissed and hugged goodbye, feeling pretty good.

Came home. Cici had called. I called her at Leori's, will pick her up now to take her home.

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Waxing and Waning
Sneaking Out
Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

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