The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Monday, May 6, 1974 - 11:20 AM

Stayed up last night until about midnight, getting stoned, and rereading this journal volume. One thing which I was struck by, was the frequency with which Marcy called me up, back in those first two or three weeks of our relationship.

This contrasts with later, when she told me it wasn't her way to call people very much. Yet she set that pattern with me from the beginning days, when she was high on me, as I was on her. No wonder I felt the situation was out of balance when she stopped calling me.

Oh well, people change. All we can do, I guess, is accept those changes as well as we can, flow with the changing situation, which is what I'm trying to do now.

I wonder if we'll ever feel so close again. I hope so, but know I must let go if need be.

Slept okay last night. Cici's quite sick, so didn't go to school today.

It's a nice sunny day, though still a bit chilly.

Kathy called this morning around 8:30, before I was out of bed. She wanted to see if she could get to see me this morning.

I told her I didn't want to discourage her, but with Cici sick, and me not up yet, it didn't seem like a good time.

Someone evidently walked in on her while she was talking to me, so she went on a rap like, "so when do you think the tickets will go on sale? When should I call back?"

I said, "Around mid-day."

She said, "Thank you, goodbye," and hung up.

It felt good to hear from her. I dig having her call me so much, and she helps me to get my mind off Marcy, and the problems of that relationship. But I'm still ambivalent about the situation.

After awhile I got up, took a shower, had some cereal, took care of Cici, then left around 10:30, to come to my place. Guess I'll hang around here for awhile, and see what happens.

1:30 PM

Kathy's called me three more times since I've been here (at my house). She was feeling down, was trying to figure a way to get away, and come see me, first left it that she would see me tomorrow, when she has an appointment to get an IUD.

But then she called again, said she was on her way over. I felt good, am excited by the prospect.

Otherwise, I've been continuing to reread this journal volume, reviewing the ups and downs in my relationship with Marcy.

7:30 PM

Kathy came over around 2 or 2:30. We were glad to see each other, sat on the bed talking, kissing, and smoking a joint.

She said, "What do you want to do?"

I said, "Oh, I don't know..." knowing I wanted to ball her.

Then she said, "besides balling and staying inside?"

I said, "That sounds pretty good to me, " as I pulled her over on me.

We kissed and hugged awhile, then started taking off our clothes, and I got up and latched the door. We got in bed, where we lay together, kissing and caressing.

After awhile, I went down on her, and ate her for a long time. Finally, I turned around, entered her, and stroked slowly and deeply awhile.

Then I pulled her to a kneeling position, facing and straddling me, and we proceeded like this for a time. Eventually I brought my legs around to a sitting position, and after awhile like that, I laid back and let her ball me for awhile, both laying and sitting.

Finally, she reached around and held my balls in her hand, and I soon came to a good climax. Then we lay together for a long time, with her on top of me, and talked.

I asked her if she had reached a climax.

She said she hadn't, but she usually doesn't with someone she's new at balling, but she'd gotten into it anyway, felt good.

She asked what I was thinking, at one point.

I said I was thinking about her, about how much I dig balling her, but that I wasn't sure how involved with her I wanted to get.

Talked for a long time about my feelings for her, wanting to clarify things, so she didn't get hurt. Told her I still had reservations about her, wasn't sure I was falling in love with her, in spite of being very much sexually attracted to her, and liking her as a person.

I told her that the parts of her that reminded me of Charmaine made me a bit cautious. Also, I felt that we had some differences in attitudes, about her shoplifting, and clothes, and food tastes, that made me wonder how close we could really get.

And I told her that some things about her scared me, like her vulnerability to getting in trouble, and the potential volatility of her relationship with Bob.

I felt she had some getting-it-together to do, like getting out on her own, before I could get really involved with her. I felt she might lay a dependency trip on me if she broke up with Bob, and after Charmaine, I wasn't ready for that.

I told her I liked her, but wanted to be sure she didn't invest too much into the relationship, so that I couldn't meet her expectations of me, and she'd be disappointed with me, just as she's disappointed with Bob now for not loving her enough.

But I reassured her that I dig her, enjoy the relationship, feel we could learn a lot from each other, and told her I'd continue to be open to her, willing to listen to, and comfort her, and love her as best as I can.

I asked how she was feeling after that.

She said, "a little sad."

I asked why?

She said, "I want someone to love me."

I told her I could still love her, that the relationship was wide open as far as I was concerned, but I'd just wanted to clarify my feelings, so she wouldn't get hurt.

I related it to my relationship with Marcy, where evidently I got over-invested in the relationship, in spite of our clarifications, and didn't want either of us to get hurt unnecessarily.

I saw that Kathy, a Pisces, was much into her emotional side, like me, had similar vulnerabilities.

Anyway, we talked it out awhile longer, 'til we both felt better about it, and eventually got up and got dressed.

She had an errand to do, going to DMV for some forms, so we went together on my motorcycle, after I called Cici, to see how she was.

Then we stopped in the park on the way home for a little while, sitting on the grass and talking. She felt better about our talk. She felt she had some changes to make in her relationship with Bob, felt that it's probably dead, but she still feels trapped by it, loves him sometimes, but is continually disappointed by the way he treats her.

Soon we came back to my room, she got her things, and we hugged and kissed goodbye. She said she'd call soon.

I told her I like her calling me. I like the attention and concern, and it helps balance the lack of it I'm feeling from Marcy these days.

Then I got myself together. We'd smoked some more hash before she left, so I was quite stoned.

I drove up to Cici's around 4:30, stopping for some ice cream on the way.

Now I'm debating whether to call up Marcy, wondering when we'll get together, wanting to make contact again.

8:45 PM

Just called Marcy, and we had a fairly mellow talk for awhile. She was cautiously open to me, and got more friendly as we went along. She asked how I'd been.

I told her I'd been seeing a lot of Kathy, and that had been keeping me pretty high, and we talked about that situation for awhile.

I asked her about what had freaked her out at the party, but she said she didn't want to talk about that, it was very personal, and she had even had a hard time talking to Bob about it.

I told her about the traffic school thing, which she'd flashed on too a few days ago, and we talked about postponing it. I asked how her plans were coming, for traveling and all.

She said they were waiting to get the car fixed, and for the girls to get more money from home, before they could go.

I told her I was wondering when she might want to talk. She said I didn't sound so freaked now, and that was good, asked if I were still in a hurry.

I said, "No, not really." I'd felt that a little time might help the situation, so hadn't gotten in touch sooner, and had gotten things in a little better perspective in the meantime.

I also told her that the situation with Kathy had helped me to see her perspective a bit better too, I thought.

She said she hadn't forgotten me, had thought about me, but had appreciated the space I'd given her, and was feeling more mellow about the situation again. So she assured me she'd be in touch, and we'd have our talk.

Someone came to her door, and there were some other people there too, so she felt she needed to say goodbye, but we talked a little while longer, then I did let her go.

I guess I feel a bit better about the situation now. I feel we can have our talk, keep things mellow, and get to a place where she can go away for awhile, and I can feel we're still good friends. I do love her, value the relationship, and hope it can stay alive for a long time.

End of Volume 8

I'm going to quit posting this journal for awhile. It now contains five full volumes, or over 1400 original pages from thirty years ago.

It's meant to be read as a story, my times at the big house on Dana Street in Berkeley, searching for love and meaning, a very interesting time in my life, with a gradually changing cast of characters there.

I am so glad I was keeping a journal in such detail back then, as when I read it now, I remember many things and relive adventures that had otherwise been long forgotten. It keeps those times alive for me.

I recommend starting with the Preface, then go to the beginning of volume 4.

Also, the names on the left are the girls I became involved with or infatuated with, and they link to the first meeting with that person, so those could be alternate starting points as well. Though not all of these relationships went anywhere, but some did.

Plus, there's a monthly index on the right so you can find your place easily. And here's a list of individual episodes.

And if anyone wants me to continue posting, let me know in my guestbook, and I may be persuaded to continue the saga, as there are still some good adventures to be told.

If you've read the whole story up to this point, that would carry more weight in terms of persuasion, and I'd love to hear from you.

And thanks to all of you have written, and enjoyed the stories.

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Preface

Beginning

Cast

Latest Entries:
Waxing and Waning
Sneaking Out
Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

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June 1972
July 1972
Aug 1972
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Nov 1972
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Mar 1973
Apr 1973
May 1973
June 1973
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Sept 1973
Oct 1973
Nov 1973
Dec 1973
Jan 1974
Feb 1974
Mar 1974
Apr 1974
May 1974

Began Jungian Analysis here, and ended it here

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