The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Saturday, August 12, 1972 - 2 PM

I put Penny and Cici on the plane to Pennsylvania this morning. They'll be staying at her parents' house for about two weeks.

Spent last evening with them, helping them get ready, and getting stoned with Penny. We made very good love together, starting with sixty-nine, and felt very good with each other.

Later in the night, I had a wet dream (!) which I was conscious of as it was happening, but I can only barely remember a fragment of the dream. Can't remember who it was with.

Later still I had a very sexual dream involving Michelle, where we were playing around. I was going to lick her, and she said she loved that, and I did. Then we were fucking and I was experiencing both male and female parts. That's about all I remember. A very sexy night, anyway.

Our house is particularly deserted today, with Liz, Andy, and Bob gone backpacking, and almost everyone else out as well.

7:40 PM

Just after writing the above, I felt restless and decided to take a quick walk up to campus, before coming back to do something productive, like cleaning off my porch or something.

Anyway, after a few minutes rapping with Don out back (he just got back from Oregon), I walked up to Telegraph Avenue.

There, walking up the other side of Telegraph, I saw a pretty blonde girl, in jeans and a distinctive bright blouse, whom I'd just seen awhile earlier on my way home from the Airport.

She had been hitchhiking out of San Francisco. I'd been coming onto the Bay Bridge from a different direction, and had noticed her there at the other entrance, while I was stopped at a redlight. I wondered if she was coming to Berkeley, but hadn't been able to signal her across the intersection where I was stopped, so I had given an old man in smelly clothes a ride to Berkeley instead.

Anyway, there she was, walking up Telegraph, so I caught up to her and asked her, "Weren't you just in San Francisco, hitchhiking?"

And she said, "Yeah, why didn't you stop for me?"

I explained that I'd tried but couldn't, and we talked, and walked together on up to campus.

Her name is Cookie. She told me she had come over to look up someone, but he wasn't home.

We talked some more, and I eventually asked her if she'd like to take a drive up to Tilden Park.

She said, "sure."

So we walked back to my place to get Jupiter, then drove up to Tilden Park, and around it, finally coming back down to my place.

We went up to my room, smoked a joint, and had some Kool-ade, getting pretty stoned, but having some nice raps, about Jung, psychology, reality, "all things shall pass," and about ourselves. We listened to Deja Vu, and George Harrison, and felt pretty good with each other.

I didn't make any advances on her, kept my sexual and emotional feelings under control (or repressed), and tried to just flow along easily with the situation. I got to like her better and better as time went on, and we had a very nice day.

Eventually, we went up to John's Soup Kitchen for soup dinner. She'd called her friend earlier, he was home this time, and she agreed to come over (to his place) about 7 PM.

She asked me if she could come back later, and I said sure. But we kept things open. I gave her my phone number to call if she wanted me to pick her up.

She'd also told him she didn't want to come over right away (around five) as she was "with a friend." So I'm sure she liked being with me, or at least is interested.

I didn't lay anything on her at all with regard to hopes or expectations, except to make it reasonably clear that I liked her and enjoyed being with her.

I feel I could fall in love with her, but it will be a more gradual process than some before. But I'm already having hopes and fantasies about her, that we could get something together.

11:10 PM

Cookie hasn't called tonight, but said she would call tomorrow if she didn't call tonight.

She's staying in San Francisco with her sister's family in the Sunset District, "where the sun never shines". She's been trying to find a job, but without luck so far.

She's out here to stay, split with her old man back East about two weeks ago (I think). She doesn't have many friends out here. She's from Silver Springs, Maryland, went to the University of Maryland, majored in psychology.

Monday, August 14, 1972 - 11:30 AM

Yesterday turned into a very fine day. Cookie and I have become lovers, and are digging each other pretty much.

I got up in the morning, and after a leisurely breakfast, went over to Penny's about noon to feed Nema the cat. Decided to bring her back to my place, as she was very lonely.

When I got back, Cookie was in the back yard, waiting for me. We decided to go up to Tilden again, to be together, where we climbed a peak up by the old radio tower.

Up there, we smoked a joint, got pretty stoned, and talked about various things, getting around to each other, and our growing relationship. She asked if I was someone who gets close to someone very fast.

I said that I was, and that sometimes I come on too strong, and scare some girls away.

She said she'd been in situations where she'd hurt people like me, inadvertently, because she changes, and goes a different direction, and the other person had become too dependent on her.

I told her about my thing with Windy, how I'd learned that I could go through the hurt.

The more we talked, the clearer it became that we could both be open to an indefinite, short-term relationship, where we could be close to each other, but not making long-term commitments.

I told her that I didn't feel I could give her a "full" commitment anyway, because of my situation with Penny and Cici, as well as the part of me that might be open to Windy when she comes out here, if there's any mutual interest.

Each thing I told her, about where I was, related to situations she'd been in too, and we felt closer and closer to each other, and concluded that we could both be open to each other, and had "space" in our lives right now for each other.

Also, I told her I'd been "waiting" for someone to do some exploring with, if she could dig it.

Anyway, we started becoming affectionate with each other, and stopped on the way down to hug and kiss. From then on, I felt comfortable and able to be myself with her, able to relate naturally and lovingly.

We came back down, stopped on the Northside for some cider, got some gas, and came back to my room, to listen to music, relax with each other, smoke dope and drink Kool-ade, which we did for awhile.

Finally, naturally and relaxedly, we began getting affectionate again, hugging, kissing, and caressing. After awhile, even though it seemed apparent, I asked her if she would like to make love.

She responded by asking, "Would you like to?"

I said, "Sure, if you want to," and she quipped, "but not if I didn't?"

I said, "Well, I'd still like to, but I know it would only be good if we both wanted to."

Anyway, she said "sure," and we proceeded with caressing, undressing ourselves and each other, and going over to the bed on the floor.

It was bright and sunny outside, and we left the drapes open. We caressed gently and lovingly for awhile longer, and eventually I started to enter her. But she was quite small, and though not dry, it wasn't easy to get in.

So I went down on her, lubricating her better with my mouth and tongue for awhile, and eventually entered her again, and was able to get in better. We fucked for quite a long time, working up to a crescendo, but with me not quite reaching a climax.

Then we slowed down, relaxing awhile, then slowly built up to another crescendo. She was getting more and more turned on, and may have reached a few climaxes.

Finally, at a super-right time, I began to reach a climax as she cried, "Oh, come inside me!" and I did, and we stayed together for a long time after that, both of us feeling so fine.

It was incredibly fine lovemaking, and I felt the situation was "full of grace."

After awhile, we got up, got dressed, and went to Park & Shop for some cat food, came home and fed the cat, then went out to have some pizza, which she wanted to buy.

We went to Pierro's on Shattuck, where the pizza was very good. By this time, we'd decided that she'd sleep here with me, so after dinner, we came back to my room to listen to music, get stoned, and be together.

We got into the Tarot cards for awhile, zonking on the symbolism, and on the synchronicity we kept feeling, with the music, each other, etc. For example, as we turned up the four of cups, with four people raising their cups to each other, Cat Stevens was singing, "I'll drink to that, I'll drink to that,"

It was a mellow, close scene. We played Cat Stevens, the Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour, then put on Deja Vu as we went to bed, and made love throughout the whole 45 minute tape.

We started out with gentle caressing, until after awhile I started kissing her breasts and body, finally getting between her legs, with my body accessible to her. So pretty soon we were doing sixty-nine, until we were both eager to go on, and I entered her, and again we balled for a long, long time, with me being close on occasion to coming, but never quite making it. She did, she said, four times.

We paused for awhile a couple of times, and just sat quietly together, hugging each other, being as close as we could possibly be and digging it.

She was very sensitive to when I'd "squeeze" my penis, causing it to expand inside her. And she was very sensitive and passionate over all. A couple of times she asked me, "Are you happy?"

I said, "I'm in Heaven."

We lay together for a long time. I was beginning to get a bit sore, so we finally quit, staying close for a long time before going to sleep.

It was really fine. We were naturally sexy and passionate with each other, digging each other a lot. I kept an erection for five or ten minutes after I withdrew, and I get one from just thinking about her.

So it looks like the beginning of a good relationship at this point.

I didn't sleep very well (was too high, for one thing), though Cookie did.

This morning, we got up early, as I had to be at court in San Francisco for my traffic ticket (an illegal left turn a few weeks back) by 9 AM. I argued my case, though pleading guilty, and the judge reduced the fine from $19 to $10, which made me feel pretty good. He seemed to be a pretty fair-minded man.

Before court, I walked Cookie up to Market Street, to catch her trolley home, where we kissed goodbye. She's going to call tomorrow morning.

I've been noticing a lot of similarities between my relationship with Cookie and the one with Windy.

6:25 PM

Spent a nice mellow day in good spirits, feeling good about where I am with Cookie.

Went to Penny's to do laundry, and get the foam rubber slabs for a double bed.

While there, a small golden kitten was found wandering around in the hall. I knocked on all doors, and nobody knew of it, so I brought it home, where it soon became friends with Juniper and Snoozer.

Tuesday, August 15, 1972 - 9:40 PM

I went to my class last night. I told my dreams about the party, with the girl running down the hill, and the inspector in the old car, also the one about the motorcycle.

Some feedback: the girl who ran and escaped the inspector could have been my anima, helping me to escape my bad authority figure, and almost succeeding in sending the car (energy) back into the unconscious (water). I could have taken control and sent the car back down the hill, but didn't. In the motorcycle (symbolizing energy) dream, something was getting started , even though precariously at first.

We also listened to the myth of Amor and Psyche, seeing it as a female hero myth.

Cookie called around 11 this morning, suggested we go to the beach.

I said sure, met her at 12:30 on the Great Highway, near where she's living (47th and Santiago), and we went down almost to San Gregorio. We spent a nice mellow afternoon together on the beach, smoking a joint, sipping some Pepsi, talking about a lot of things, being affectionate frequently, walking up the beach, etc.

On the ride down, she was telling me about how she frequently gets involved with her sister's men (the Israeli guy in Berkeley, and the guy who's living with her sister now), and that now there's some tension at her sister's house because of it. Also, she said she gets herself entangled in lies she tells people, usually because she doesn't want to hurt them.

I told her a lot more about my past two years, my relationships with Brad and Gail, with Windy, and with Penny. And she told me more about herself, her relationships with teachers (natural born teacher's pet), her sister, etc.

Also, we read for awhile at the beach. She gave me The Exorcist to read, which is pretty good, so far. She was reading The Other.

Her real name is Naomi. She's twenty years old. I told her how old I was too, but it didn't freak her out. I asked how we were doing (from time to time), and she said "good."

Anyway, we had a lot to talk about together, and felt pretty good with each other, I think. I was into being careful not to overwhelm her with affection, yet make it clear that I dig her, and felt some affection in return.

They were having a barbecue for her nephew, who is leaving tomorrow, so she wanted to stay there tonight, though she made it clear that otherwise she'd have come home with me.

So anyway, so far so good with Cookie. I'm falling in love, but doing it more relaxedly, being careful not to push things too much, accepting what comes, with what I think is a pretty objective view of the situation. I am more content to let things develop at their own natural pace.

This evening, I helped Liz move her stuff over to her new apartment, after sitting in on a conversation with her and Michelle. She was very grateful, and I felt good about helping her.

Wednesday, August 16, 1972 - 2 PM

No dreams, or at least none remembered.

I've spent a fairly energetic day today. Went shopping for groceries, baked a pound cake (with blackberries), cleaned up my room, swept the stairs, cleaned up my porch, and went to Shambala to get some catnip (to loosen Nema up, as she's been pretty uptight) and some peppermint.

Ran into Leslie on Telegraph, just back from L.A. We didn't have too much to say to each other.

Today has become quite overcast. I hope Cookie comes over, as she said she would, around 6. I've been thinking about her very much.

3:35 PM

Just got a call from Cookie. She's not coming over tonight after all. She told me she was "not ready to come over yet." She's still in a confused state.

I said I was confused, would rather she be straight with me, asked her if anything was happening.

She said no, it was just that "what I told you about" was still confusing her. Did she mean the situation with her sister's boyfriend? I'm not sure.

She said it wasn't anybody else, just that she wasn't ready to see me yet, wasn't ready to get real close to me yet. She said, though, that she still felt good about us, that we're still good friends (my words), but I was unable to really grasp the situation, and don't know where things are.

I can't help but be shaken, as I felt she dug me pretty well, and will just have to cool it, relax as best I can 'til she calls again.

She said she wouldn't be coming over tomorrow, and probably not Friday either, so I really don't know what's up.

4:30 PM

The relationship with Cookie is still heavily on my mind. I can feel the blues overtaking me. I just did some Astrology on her. Her moon is probably in Capricorn, Mercury in Leo, Venus in Leo (as is mine), but Mars in Scorpio, which has some heavy aspects, as does Moon in Capricorn.

Oh well, I hope I can hold my head above the clouds 'til I hear from her again. I'm afraid I'll have to call for a clarification of our relationship when we get together again.

Throwing a hexagram: "What about my relationship with Cookie?"

I received hexagram 14 - Ta Yu / Possession in Great Measure, with nine in the first place, nine in the second, nine in the fourth, and nine in the sixth, changing to 15 - Ch'ien / Modesty.

A very favorable hexagram: "All things come to the man who is modest and kind in a high position." "Supreme success." "...strength and clarity unite." "It is done by virtue of unselfish modesty." "The time is favorable - a time of strength within, clarity and culture without. Power is expressing itself in a graceful and controlled way." "The sun brings both evil and good into the light of day. Man must combat and curb the evil, and must favor and promote the good."

"Nine in the beginning means: No relationship with what is harmful; There is no blame in this. If one remains conscious of difficulty, One remains without blame." "Yet there are many difficulties to be overcome."

"Nine in the second place means: A big wagon for loading. One may undertake something. No blame."

"Nine in the fourth place means: ...a dangerous position. He must look neither to the right or left, and must shun envy and the temptation to vie with others."

"Nine in the sixth place means: He is blessed by heaven. Good Fortune. Nothing that does not further."

15 - Ch'ien / Modesty - "Modesty creates success."

This hexagram brightens my outlook considerably. I'll try to just relax and let things take their natural course, shunning envy and competitiveness, (i.e., with Cookie's other men), being modest, open, sincere, kind, and loving.

10:50 PM

Went to Maggy's Mythology class tonight (with Kathleen) and found it very boring, as contrasted with its usual interest.

She was into cosmic bullshitting and anecdoting, and didn't reference a single explicit myth all evening long.

I was trying to figure out how much of it was the class, and how much was me, and my feelings about Cookie, as I wasn't really "with" the class.

I felt uptight and ill-at-ease with Kathleen on the way home. We stopped at Café de Medici for a snack on the way. I wasn't really up for it.

The favorable hexagram hasn't been able to keep me very high. Cookie not being ready to "get so close" to me has shaken my feeling of the situation, and I'm somewhat in grief for that imagined closeness that I thought we had together.

But anyway, there's nothing I can do but wait. It's out of my hands, so I might as well just relax. I got the idea of tripping tomorrow, but thought better of it. Decided to fast and meditate most of the day, and maybe trip on Friday, if I feel up to it. We'll see what happens by then.

There's something happening at the apartment building next door. Earlier this evening a girl was sitting out on the steps sobbing. She was out there about an hour or so. Now, at 11:20 PM, a policeman is there, and he radioed that the place was full of gas, to send a special unit over.

Thursday, August 17, 1972 - Noon

I've been fasting and meditating today. I got up about 9 and took a bath. No dreams last night. I meditated until 11, then laid down and meditated some more 'til now. I debated doing some MDA, but had a slight headache, so I haven't.

Most of my thoughts have to do with Cookie, missing her, wanting her to want me, feeling helpless about the situation, and somewhat confused. Yet I haven't been really "down," just "alone."

It's a beautiful day out. I just wish we could be spending it together, and I wish I could understand what's preventing that.

Asked my anima a few questions using the pendulum. Is Cookie being relatively straight with me? Yes. Does she like me? Yes. Is she falling in love with me? Yes. Am I pushing her away in some way? No answer. Do you think I should do some MDA today? No.

6:45 PM

Not much to add. Still fasting. I've meditated off and on all afternoon, and rested on the bed. The orange kitten, Sunshine, has kept me company.

I am pretty hung up on Cookie. This waiting takes me back to that weekend of waiting for Windy to call (and losing her), and is hard for me to deal with. I can't get my mind very far off Cookie. I want her pretty badly, and don't understand what's happening.

Think I'll just get stoned and get back into my old journal.

Friday, August 18, 1972 - 11:35 AM

I've maintained my fast until now. I spent last night reading through my old journal, the part about losing Windy, how emotionally upset I was, and how emotionally immature I was as well.

Compared to how bad I felt then, I don't feel so bad now about Cookie, though I've still been missing her a lot, but I'm more able to maintain a calm despite the feeling of loss.

Today, it is intermittently cloudy. I got up around 10, remembered some vague dream fragments (nothing of interest, however), then showered and meditated from 11 to 11:30.

Then I questioned my anima about tripping today on MDA. She said okay, that she would take care of me, so here goes.

11:45 AM

I've changed my mind. I'm too indecisive about it, and I don't feel in a good enough place for tripping today. Maybe next week.

12:25 Noon

I got a letter from Brad in India. It was mailed on the 11th. He has hepatitis, and may not be able to travel for a little while. He's feeling cynical, skeptical, said his summer has been his most un-spiritual.

But he sounded friendly, commented that "it would be good sometime to re-live with you, with the aid of your journal, some of our times together. Lordy, how much was wasted at the end, why? So it goes."

I'm feeling pretty good now. I don't really expect Cookie to call today, but don't feel the relationship's dead either, though I sure hope we can get past this phase pretty soon.

4:40 PM

Just wrote a letter to Gail. Told her about my doings, including my relationship with Cookie.

It's become pretty sunny today after all. Spent a little time up on campus earlier. I guess I'll read for awhile.

12:45 Midnight

Took the cats outside in the backyard for an hour or so this afternoon. They had fun and didn't try to escape.

I read after dinner for awhile, first in The Exorcist, which Cookie gave me at the beach, then I got stoned, and read in my old journal ever since, up into November, 1971.

It was a very depressed period, "the unhappiest of my life," hung-up so on Windy, alienated from Brad and Gail, and sometimes Penny. Wrote some good poetry then, threw some good hexagrams.

Got some insights from rereading it: my animal dream (kitten, squirrels, and puppy), the dream of speaking Spanish with the dogs, and messing up my locker looking for dope.

A hexagram I read tonight talked of responding to moods and fears as causing inner inconsistency and unfortunate situations. This relates to the dream implying that my feelings or emotions speak a different language, and I sometimes fuck things up by trying to "get straight." Must reflect further on this, as it appears to be a key insight.

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