The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Thursday, June 15, 1972 - 12:45 Noon

I had another incredible "mythical" experience last night. It was incredibly high and heavy for me, and I don't know where it leaves me. It happened at Leslie's birthday party. I'll put it down as best as I can remember it.

I got there around 9 PM. A few people were there already, a girl named Pam, nice, a guy named Buffalo, a girl named Katie, and a girl named Cher. I'd tuned down my feelings for Leslie, in accordance with my reservations about the situation and the hexagram I'd cast. I'd decided to just be relaxed, confident, and open to the total situation.

At one point, Katie said to Leslie, who was sitting next to me, "Where's your sweetie-pie?"

And she replied, "Which one?," which I thought communicated to me an openness to me, but also told me that perhaps there were other involvements, which could explain the reservations I'd felt. It also made me more comfortable with my decision to go slow.

Anyway, a lot more people began showing up, mostly guys, and I was sitting next to a guy named David, who works for Movement Motors as a mechanic, and lives in a truck.

We got into a long rap, mostly about dope, and the various parts of the country where he'd been. I was sort of out of circulation as far as the rest of the party went, but it didn't really bother me. I got quite stoned on wine and dope.

Then I noticed that in the hall, Cher had started playing her guitar and singing. Her music just captivated my attention, and I told David that I was really taken with her singing, and got up and went over to listen to her.

She had the most unique style I'd ever heard, sort of a country blues, somewhere between Janis Joplin and Joni Mitchell, but it moved me incredibly. I couldn't even follow the words she was singing, but I was captivated by her music, and told her so. I told her I'd never heard anything like it, and asked her if she performed.

She said, yes.

I asked if she'd done an album, and she said no. Then she sang some more, and I was in rapt attention. Not everybody dug her that much, I guess, and she seemed pleased by my appreciation.

She came into the living room and sang some more. Buffalo joined her on guitar, then "took over," and she felt a bit of hostility from him, she told Kris in the kitchen.

I followed her around awhile, as her number one fan, then asked her if we could go somewhere and talk. She got her coat and we went out on the front steps.

I just opened myself up to her, telling her I hoped I wasn't coming on too strong, or being an embarrassment to her, but that I was just overwhelmed by her and her music.

She said I wasn't, and asked what sign I was.

I told her, and she said, "Far out," that her best "old man" was a Virgo too, but that he had destroyed her ego, and didn't dig her stuff.

We talked astrology. She's a Gemini (just 21), with, she said, Moon and rising sign also in Gemini. I told her I had never known any Geminis very well, and had no air signs at all in my horoscope. She had mostly air, some water, and few earth or fire signs.

I told her that maybe we were "polar opposites" and that might be the source of my attraction. She said her Venus was in Leo, as is mine.

She asked my age, and was very surprised when I told her, saying I didn't look more than 23 or so.

I told her I didn't feel old either, in fact I felt very young, since I'd had a rebirth experience a couple of years ago.

She said she felt like about 16 or so sometimes.

I said, "Me, too," and told her I thought I was a delayed adolescent. We got pretty close pretty quick.

At one point, a couple was leaving and standing there talking to us, saying goodnight, when a girl in a nurse's uniform came down the street. Cher said "Want some champagne?" and warmly brought her into the group.

We introduced ourselves, told her there was a birthday party going on, etc. Soon she left, feeling good. I told Cher it was a really neat thing she did.

At another point, I told her I was really tapped into her energy, but was afraid I might be coming on too strong, that she might not be able to feel my energy.

She said she wasn't sure she was able to feel it, but she understood where I was, and felt where I was coming from.

I held her hand, and as we finally got up to go inside, as she had to call Denver, I said "Wait," and hugged her for a few seconds, and she seemed to be open to it.

Then she went in and phoned. I asked if she wanted any privacy. She said no, she didn't need any, and she left her new phone number (Leslie's) with some guy in Denver.

When we got back into the party, a movement had formed to go to an opening night party at a place in San Francisco, The Shandigap, so we decided to all go in my VW bus, and Cher wanted to drive, so that's what we did.

I sat in front with her, but some people in back got uptight about her driving, as it was swaying, so they said, back there. But we made it okay. However, the place had just been shut down by the police because it was too full or something.

After hanging around there for a few minutes, Cher asked if we wanted to go to the "rowdiest" place in town, and some people said "sure," so she drove us on a roundabout route across the city to a place in the warehouse district.

At one point she wasn't sure where we were, so we stopped at a bar to check directions. I went in with her. Just as we went up to the bar, a guy crumpled to the floor by the juke box.

Cher went over to help him, but he was glassy-eyed and defensive, got up and said something about taking on anyone in the house. So we got our directions and proceeded onward.

During this trip and others, she was very free with traffic regulations, going through red lights and stop signs right and left. This made me somewhat uptight (though I was able to flow with it, for the most part), especially after she realized that she hadn't brought her ID with her.

We finally got there, and it was a fairly mellow though heavy scene. A band was playing, and there was a mixture of freaks, blacks, and others there. We danced some. I bought us all a pitcher of beer. I danced with Kris once, while Cher was dancing with someone else, and also asked Leslie if she wanted to dance, but she didn't then.

After awhile someone asked if anyone had a car, as someone needed to get to a hospital to have a baby. I was reluctant, but could see that Cher was concerned, so told her I'd go, if she'd come with me. We went out to check out the situation.

The black girl didn't want to go to a hospital, but to go home. Cher talked with her and comforted her. Finally, someone else came with a car and agreed to take her, so they split.

There was another strange scene at that time, with a guy who had been a "thalidomide baby," he had a couple of feet beneath his hips, and only partial arms. He was angry because the guy who drove the girl home wasn't going to drive him home. The whole evening had a surreal aspect to it.

Finally we went back in, and everyone wanted to leave, so we did. I was going to drive then, but didn't know the way, so Cher drove some more.

Rafael wanted to be dropped somewhere in San Francisco, so we went to his area, but then he needed to endorse a check to Buffalo, and no one had a pen, so we cruised around looking for a place to find one, finally finding an emergency hospital, where they borrowed a pen, then Rafael left.

So we wended our way back to the Bay Bridge, and then to Berkeley, where we dropped someone else at Channing Street, before finally getting back to Leslie's.

There, Leslie seemed like she'd had enough, so after we milled around for a few minutes, I decided it was time to split.

I said goodnight to Cher in the kitchen, telling her I'd call her when I came to my senses. Also, out on the porch, I'd told her I was so overwhelmed by her that I was afraid of her, that I didn't know if she was of "God or the Devil," though I knew she, or the experience, was "sacred."

I don't really know where we left it with each other, but we were friendly. I'd told her to let me know if I came on too strong, 'cause I was just "out of control," and she'd said she would.

So I finally split, getting home around 4 AM, and sleeping 'til 11 this morning. I called her up around 12:30 today, but she had to go out and take care of some business about her truck, so couldn't talk, as she had to run.

I told her I'd call her back later.

7 PM

I've been trying to reach Cher all day, but haven't been able to. There was no one home in mid-afternoon, and I just reached Kris, but Cher wasn't there. So I left my number in case she wants to call, saying otherwise I'd call tomorrow.

I hope she calls, but I'm beginning to go through a period of self-doubts about the whole situation, fearing she may feel I'm laying demands on her, and she may not want to deal with me.

My feelings are confused about her now. From one view, I feel I may have made a fool of myself with her, so that she wouldn't want to further the relationship. So I need to "test the water," and find out what kind of vibes she gives me.

I also feel kind of silly, that this is the wrong time and place for both of us, perhaps, yet the feelings I have for her are just too strong to pass up the possibility, remote that it may be, of some sort of relationship.

Besides, I mustn't put down the possibility that she is also attracted to me. Who knows? At any rate, I have to find out where things stand.

The whole thing is still a confusing and somewhat scary situation for me, like heading off down the rapids in an unknown river. If there is to be no further relationship, I still value what happened last night with her. It stands by itself as a high experience, and I guess in some ways, I might be relieved, at not having to face such an uncertain future.

On the other hand, I'd still be somewhat disappointed at the loss of such an emotionally charged possibility. But ce la vie. I'll just have to relax and flow with the situation. It's pretty much out of my hands now anyway.

Changing the subject for the moment, Steve and Cindy dropped by this afternoon. The situation at Milvia house isn't too good these days. Last night they all had a big uproar that started from a water pistol fight, and escalated to a "violent" scene.

It seems Marsh has been on a "power trip," and can't abide anyone else's power trips. Anyway, Marsh and Karen haven't been doing well recently, as I knew anyway, and the scene has evidently gotten complicated with Steve and Cindy's (and Marcus's) presence. And they've decided to find another place to live.

I told them the best places to look, and told them to come over here if they ever needed to get away from the tensions there.

Also I told them about last night, and about Penny and I splitting up for awhile, after our Mexico trip.

11:30 PM

Had a heavy evening, though I've managed to avoid letting it really hit me yet. I called Cher again around ten, and came out worse than I'd expected. She didn't want to see me again, said it was pretty "heavy" for her.

I first began to get the message when she didn't sound at all enthusiastic to hear me, then I eventually got around to telling her I wanted to see her again and talk to her, and from her response figured that she didn't really want to.

I expressed that feeling, told her I didn't really know where we stood with each other, and wanted us to clarify it. I said "Even if there's nothing but last night, that's okay," and that we'd seemed to have established a bond of closeness last night that had somehow disappeared in the meantime.

She said she'd been pretty drunk last night, and didn't remember too much. Oh, she remembered talking and all, but she hadn't meant to encourage me. Anyway, in short, she wasn't all that attracted to me.

I prolonged it a bit by saying that I felt sorry I'd made it uncomfortable for her, that I'd just said what I'd felt, but that if I just hung up and never saw her again, I'd have a big question mark that I wouldn't know what to do with, and could she clarify her feelings a bit for me.

Her vibes warmed up a bit as she made it clearer that she wasn't wanting to hurt me, but she just didn't see any future relationship of the kind I seemed to be wanting.

It feels like she felt I was making demands on her, and she was reacting defensively toward those "demands." She was telling me "no" when I hadn't consciously asked the question, though maybe my approach did imply the question.

She was friendlier at the end, said "Laugh it off," when she no longer felt I was demanding anything.

Anyway, it took me quite awhile to realize that I am indeed hurting about this. From her openness to me last night, I had no idea she'd be this closed to me by now. I hadn't realized that she was so threatened by me.

It's really heavy for me to realize that by expressing love, one can close off a person, that we can't even exist as friends with no commitment, but have to be cut off completely. This bothers me. There's something about coming on too strong that pushes away.

I had a bunch of related insights and flashes as I thought about and tried to write this, but I just couldn't keep up with them.

One other thing that I forgot to write about last night was that in the middle of the night I hallucinated Penny into Leslie, rather than Cher, which is interesting, since I was so taken with Cher, or so I thought.

Maybe I did build that up bigger than life, and that's the element that changes it from something to be welcomed, to something frightening.

I've more to learn from thinking this through. Maybe I'll be better able to write about it tomorrow.

Saturday, June 17, 1972 - 8:15 PM

On Friday, the Cher situation no longer bothered me to any great degree. Spent the day shopping with Penny, cleaning up around the house, etc.

Marsh and Bob came over in late afternoon. They told me their side of the water pistol fight of Wednesday evening. According to them, it was Steve who escalated it into a violent scene, first by throwing buckets of water, then by getting the hose, then squirting the hose into the hall, then smashing in the door, and later, after Marsh and Bob came back, by getting out his bayonet and threatening them with it. It was a heavy scene, and we talked about it for quite awhile.

Our party last night for Adele and Trevor was a very high scene for all of us. We got very stoned and had some incredible raps. Trevor and Adele both revealed themselves to us in a very trusting way, telling of their border problems, romance, etc.

We also grocked on the wide range of cultural values we had represented in our "group," with Trevor, Adele, Dan, Dorit, and Peter, when he was still here.

We closed at about 3 AM with a group hug, which I initiated, and we felt very close to each other. I told them that we'd miss them. I cried a bit for the first time in months, thinking about them leaving, and told them so.

Today I spent about six hours at CMI (California Marijuana Initiative), precincting, while Penny and Cici went with Don to Marineland. She's out to dinner with him tonight.

10:15 PM

I'm getting stoned by myself, and starting to read my old journal again. On page 157 of Volume 1 is the second dream recorded (Feb 1, 1971). I was in a high period (despite the Drew, Gail, Brad tensions), and was in a good place with Gail. I was providing a lot of high energy for the group at that time, giving love and support where I could, and I felt very good about myself and my development. I was making real progress.

This dream was the one where I was dancing nude in a circle with Pat, she kissed my chest, later we made love. Pat could be my anima (at that time), the "mother" from, or with whom, I was "reborn," expressing her confidence in me, fulfilling that period (making love), and launching me into the next mythic adventure (with Gail).

The circle is symbolic of wholeness (completeness at that stage), and readiness for moving on to the next stage. Also, I "won the game." It set the stage for the next act of the drama, where I fight for Gail (my symbolic mother at this stage), driving toward "incest with the mother," as the next symbolic act of the myth.

Gail and Brad can be seen as Mother and Father figures at this point, lovers in fact, with me as the "innocent son," pushing for, and eventually gaining, in an incredibly powerful scene for me, "incest" with Gail, the Mother.

I'm wondering who Drew was in the drama. Maybe my brother (older?), whom I betray by supporting Brad and Gail's position. Is there a Cain and Able thing here with Drew? I wanted what he had (Gail) and betrayed him (slew him?), yet I did it in sincerity and innocence at the time, because I couldn't yet "feel his pain."

This dream immediately preceded the first symptom of the ensuing "struggle" phase (Feb 2, 1971). Also there's the image of the Acapulco diver, having just launched into another adventure.

The next dream (nightmare) came soon (Feb 2, 1971). My fear of becoming "separate" or of "going insane." But doesn't one have to accept his "separateness" in order to "be a man?" Eastern or Jungian wisdom seem to say that the "enlightened" path is a fundamentally lonely one with regard to mankind. Jung was lonely.

Is there a gradual shift from finding "richness" outside (in other people) to finding it within one's Self (God), the archetypal experiences, the inner quest? I don't know, but it seems likely.

This phase (struggle for incest with the mother) can be seen as a kind of heroic quest for "the holy grail." I was struggling innocently and righteously for something that seemed nearly unattainable, and in some ways, dangerous, sort of a knight's crusade to slay the dragon, recreate paradise, and rescue the king's daughter (falling in love and living happily ever after).

I just flashed on the idea (unrelated to the above, I think) that I am a "journalist," as my vocation, i.e., keeping my journal, documenting the inner struggles of my soul. Who else can cover this beat? And isn't this scene tied in with at least half of the Universe (the unconscious)? So why not cover it? Why not be a "spectator" on the inner scene and thus a "participant" on the outer scene (the game of life), getting into living life. Jung himself was a "journalist" in this sense.

On February 8th, I threw the hexagram for the group, getting 63 Chi Chi / After Completion, with nine in the first, changing to 39 Chien / Obstruction (danger). It fits well in retrospect, especially with regard to my relationship with Gail.

Sunday, June 18, 1972 - 4 PM

Went to bed around one last night. Penny got home around 5 AM. No dreams.

Today we went to the Alameda Flea Market, then I went down and precincted for CMI. But they only had a few left to do, and it looks like there'll be enough signatures to get it on the ballot.

I think I'll go out awhile and see what's happening at the local parks.

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