The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Wednesday night, September 27, 1972 - 12:55 AM

Went to the Rock concert/dance up at campus tonight, and had a pretty nice time. When I first got there, it was sort of slow, so I came home and smoked a joint with Mike, before going back.

Then I soon danced with one girl to whom I wasn't very much attracted (I hadn't gotten a good look at her when I asked her to dance), and after a couple of dances I split from her, feeling a little guilty. Yet why should I? I hadn't made any commitment to her, had I?

Later I spotted a girl whose eyes met mine as we passed, and then I went back and asked her if she wanted to dance.

She said "sure," and we ended up dancing together the rest of the night.

Her name is Carol, she's Virgo (Sept 20) (1952, probably). She transferred from Santa Barbara, and is majoring in Linguistics. She's from L.A. She lives on Hearst Street (2125) and her phone number is 843-9699.

We talked a fair amount, I told her a little of my quest, but nothing of my family situation yet. We talked a bit about paranoia in Berkeley, etc. She seems fairly straight, however, reminds me a bit of Mary B.

Anyway, after the dance, her roommate and a guy named Mike, and she and I went down Telegraph to get something to drink.

Then, when we were about to split, I offered to drive her home on my motorcycle, as Mike's car would only hold two people.

She accepted, so we walked to my house, I briefly showed her my house and room, then I gave her a ride to her house on the other side of campus.

Thursday, September 28, 1972 - 12:45 PM

Slept pretty well last night.

Had Carol on my mind a good bit. Wondering whether a relationship can happen, or whether our trips are too different. In some ways she seems too straight and innocent. But I figure I'll just flow along with the situation and see what develops.

And I'm not too sure what she thinks of me yet. She seems cautiously open to me so far, but she doesn't really know much about me yet either.

I called her today. She wasn't home the first time, but was a few minutes ago.

She was a bit hard to talk to, not sounding very open, almost defensive, at least noncommittal, until I suggested a ride up to Tilden Park, to which she seemed fairly enthusiastic.

I don't know whether to attribute her reserved attitude to me personally, or to the way she naturally is. Anyway, we'll see how it goes this afternoon.

7 PM

Spent most of the afternoon with Carol, showing her Tilden Park, then stopping for cider at the Apple Press. We stopped a few times at various places, and were able to talk a bit about ourselves.

I told her about being married, and having a daughter. She later asked how old (my daughter, that is), and the answer did surprise her, and she asked how old I was. When I told her, she assured me I didn't look anywhere near that old.

We talked awhile about our families, my experiences of the last two years, etc. She seemed to be fairly acceptant of me, my age, marital situation, etc., but it's hard to tell to what degree.

I still haven't opened the question of a relationship, wanting to get a proper foundation built, but am getting to the point of wondering what she thinks of me, that is, whether some sort of relationship would be possible.

And I still don't know all that much about her, whether she could be my type of girl.

I think I need to give her time to digest what she's learned about me so far, and see what feelings develop.

Friday, September 29, 1972 - 9 AM

Dreams: Had some dreams about Mick Jagger, most of which have faded, however. In one segment we're in what is like an old drawing room, but it's part of a bank. We're having some kind of meeting there. We find on the floor what looks like the bowl of a spoon, with a $30,000 bill in it, and are trying to decide how to keep it. We've also found a couple more with smaller bills. This part develops into a scene with the bank officials accusing us of trying to get away with it. There's a feeling that we ought to be able to find a way to "get away with it."

There's another segment concerning a very sexual ritual of some sort, where we're running around from place to place with our dicks out, but I've forgotten most of this.

In another very vague segment, I'm fucking this seemingly faceless woman's body. It's not thought of as a person, simply a body. Very vague.

I remembered these dreams much more clearly earlier, but rationalized myself, in my half-asleep state, into not getting up to writing them down by saying they weren't really dreams, but more like daydreams or fantasies. But I see now that they were really dreams, and I think I felt somewhat "ashamed of" them, or thought they were too crude or lewd for my journal.

Last night, I went to see Marjoe with Carol. It was a good movie about this child evangelist preacher, who grew up and showed his profession as a hype.

Afterwards, we talked quite a bit, about religion, my theological school experiences, etc.

At her house, we listened to the Rolling Stones, had tea, and talked some more.

I told her that I felt shy with her, asked if she was basically shy (yes), and we talked about this, and how it affected our relationships (like with Mary B.).

She said it made her more shy than usual too, but we didn't resolve it to much of an extent.

I told her that part of my problem was not really knowing where I was with her, and worrying whether I seemed too "bizarre," but that this reflected my own questioning of where I am, i.e., seeing myself as leading a strange or "bizarre" life.

Anyway we became a little more relaxed. I held her hand awhile (without much response, though acceptance), and when I finally said goodnight, kissed her and hugged her.

But I still don't know where we are, and don't find too much excitement in the relationship (is she too passive for me?). We haven't found a whole lot in common so far.

11:35 PM

Today I started a letter to Brad and Gail, then went up to campus for the noon Friday free concert in Sproul Plaza, where I saw Mike and Andy, and walked home with Mike.

Then I rode over to Starr King, where 1 PM chapel had just finished. Talked to Rex, and Mike (from Grizzly Peak house), also met Chisico, an oriental girl, and someone named Dean.

But nothing much was happening, so I split.

Stopped at Carol's, thinking of seeing if she wanted to go riding, but then didn't. Since we'd just done that yesterday, I felt funny, and wasn't sure I was up to it.

It occurred to me that "courting" takes a lot of energy, unless there's a lot of responsiveness, that is, a feeling of really being liked in return. Whereas, so far, I haven't really felt that responsiveness, and I guess I didn't feel up to pumping more energy into the situation.

So I came home, felt like seeing Penny, so stopped over there.

She told me that Tony, Honey's (my younger half-sister's) old man was here, and she'd left him and Cici at my place, since she and Don had plans for the afternoon.

So I came home and met him, rapped with him awhile, then invited Mike up, and we all got stoned, and listened to the Rolling Stones, while Cici did some homework.

I also rapped with Cici a lot, and felt pretty good about her, and our relating.

Finally, Cici, Tony, and I went over to Penny's, and cooked some omelets for dinner.

We talked some more about Boulder, Berkeley and its vibes, and he told me of his experience of getting hassled and beaten by six black guys in Peoples' Park.

Also we rapped about changes, lifestyles, etc., feeling pretty good with each other, I think, though I wasn't feeling as open and together as I might have liked.

In fact, I've been experiencing myself as feeling just barely together, just making it, without much inner confidence and strength right now. I've been having too many doubts recently about my life, its meaning, or lack of it (depending on perspective). The opposites have both been visible to me, but the negatives are still hard to deal with.

I question my whole lifestyle, activities (such as looking for a girlfriend), and feel guilty that by some standards (within as well as without), I am wasting too much time.

When Penny got home, she urged me to come visit her tomorrow if I wanted to. I had told her I was just "barely making it."

Also, I received a birthday present from Brad and Gail. It was mailed on the eighteenth, but didn't get here 'til today. I felt good that they remembered, after all. It was a shirt from India. Very nice.

Came home and watched the end of a chess game between Andy and Mike, with Andy finally winning, then I beat Andy in a short game myself.

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