The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Friday, March 8, 1974 - 10:20 AM

I did paint for awhile yesterday afternoon, but really didn't get into it all that much.

Went grocery shopping. Called Cyrina at about 4:30, to say goodbye. She appreciated my call, said she'd write me.

I read in Incest and Human Love, by Robert Stein, for a few hours, rereading parts to understand it better. I had Charmaine on my mind again.

Had some boiled eggs for dinner around 8, then watched TV all evening with Marty, Mike, Bill, and Arlene. Saw the movie, The Collector, which was quite good.

Came to bed after the news. Didn't sleep well. Had Charmaine on my mind again. Had fantasies of balling her again. Recognized how "thwarted love" turns into hatred and craving for power. Could see it in myself, in my fantasies of "teaching her a lesson."

I also imagined a letter I might write her, in the spirit of trying to help her grow past her exploitive ways. I remember her telling me how she frequently ends up "in trouble," and has to "leave town," and I finally see why.

She continually "promises" a lot more than she gives, or even intends to give, leaving those friends who trusted her with growing feelings of disappointment, resentment, and betrayal, until it finally comes back on her, in anger and vengeance.

Only those who "see through her," and in turn, exploit her, are left feeling no bitterness towards her, and she feels "fucked over" and mistreated. Anyway, I may write such a letter to her, critical in a caring way.

I can't remember any dreams.

Today's sunny and nice, though still pretty cold.

I'm feeling fragmented still. Part of my energy is hung up on Charmaine, part is looking forward to getting to know Jane better, and I'm confused again as to my relationship with, and my feelings about, Terri. I'll just try to let Eros be my guide.

7:45 PM

Today has been a pretty nice day. Took a walk up to the Med around 11:30, stopping to play a couple of games of pinball on the way. Saw no one at the Med except Vicky, whom I haven't seen in awhile.

She was sitting with Danny, and Eileen (who didn't even give me a sign of recognition). Anyway, Vicky told me of the dress shop she's opening, and of a party on Sunday afternoon at People's Bazaar.

Then I walked up to campus, where the noon concert was just beginning. The Valley Boys were playing, and they sounded good.

I saw that cute blonde girl I'd seen a couple of weeks ago, at which time she'd given me "interested looks." We saw each other and smiled, and soon I went over and sat next to her.

Her name is Marcy. She's from Chicago, went to the University of Chicago, but lived on the North side.

After the concert, we got something to drink in the cafeteria, then another acquaintance of hers talked our ears off for about twenty minutes, before I suggested we "take a walk," which we did.

We walked to my house, where I first showed her Cleo, my housetruck, then my room, where we listened to music, got stoned, and talked about ourselves and our trips.

I was showing her my books. We got talking about Hesse's, The Journey to the East.

Eventually we were talking about painting, and I mentioned the exhibit up on campus, and we decided to go see it.

I was trying to let Eros be my guide, and didn't push anything sexual, though I found her quite attractive sexually. Also, we hadn't clarified her situation, and it turns out she's living with a man.

So, after sharing a lot about each other, we rode by motorcycle up to campus, to see the art exhibit. Then we sat up there in the sun awhile, until I suggested a motorcycle ride, to which she said, "Sure."

So we stopped by at my house again, where I picked up my jacket, and a couple of apples to eat. Then we left, riding up Panoramic Way to the top, where we walked, and sat on the grass overlooking the Bay Area. There we talked some more, and eventually I asked about her relationship with Bob, the guy she lives with.

He's a systems analyst with Control Data. They've been together three years, but have an open relationship, allowing other relationships.

We both talked about some of our experiences in getting to such a place. I also told her about my heartbreak over Charmaine, and we talked about relationships in general.

Eventually, as we headed back to the motorcycle, we clarified our present situations. She's "content" for the time being with her situation, not really looking for a heavy commitment or involvement.

I told her that I was looking for a close relationship with someone, recognized that it wouldn't be with her, yet we left ourselves open to being "friends," even sexually involved, and when we got to her car (it was after 5 by then), we exchanged numbers, and kissed goodbye, pretty warmly.

All in all, it was a very nice scene. We covered a lot of ground for one afternoon, shared a lot with each other.

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Waxing and Waning
Sneaking Out
Losing Marcy
Very High and Very Low
Anticipation

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