The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Tuesday, April 24, 1973 - 10 AM

Yesterday I had a slight headache all day, probably from the acid, and was pretty tired. It was a nice sunny day, as usual.

I played some chess with Mike, then walked up to campus for awhile. Didn't see anyone. Came home. Read awhile, played more chess, went up town with Mike, played some pinball, had dinner, read, watched TV, went to bed around 10.

Since my trip, I've been flashing on the image of a hawk or eagle from time to time and trying to figure what it might point to in terms of something to do, but haven't come up with anything yet.

Last night I had dreams which centered around underground transportation systems. They started out as sewers or drain pipes, but evolved into vast underground networks of moving belts, trains, etc.

I can't remember any details except at first someone coming to visit through them, then Cici and I going somewhere in them, trying to get to my sister Mary's, but getting lost in these vast networks and not knowing how to get home, but without any feeling of panic.

In a later fragment, I was with a bunch of younger kids, 14, 15 or so, and they and I were horsing around a bit. They were a ball team, and I was a visitor or something. At one point there were a couple of young girls involved too, and one pulled up her blouse exposing her small breasts, and I leaned over and kissed one. That's about all. These are mostly unconnected fragments.

Today is sunny again. I'm thinking of going somewhere to explore on my motorcycle, but may not. Maybe Santa Cruz.

2:50 PM

Today turned into a sort of strange day. I walked up to campus and back, and stopped in at the Med on the way back. Saw Lorraine there, we said hi, and her vibes were unclear.

There was another girl there who'd caught my eye, and after awhile the guys at her table left, so I went and sat down with her and asked her name. I was into taking a risk, being bold. Her name was Gail.

We talked a bit. She was from New York, just up from Newport Beach for a couple of days. I asked if she wanted to go on a motorcycle ride, but she said she was a little scared, but after awhile she asked if I had anything to get high on.

I said sure, and after awhile we walked over to my place, where we got stoned, and listened to music.

After awhile she asked what I'd like to do, and I told her I'd like to go to bed with her, if she wanted to.

She was at first noncommittal but leaning negative, so I took more initiative and received a gradual, but eventually firm, rebuff, after kissing her, caressing her awhile on the arm and breasts.

She said she didn't feel like it, and I wouldn't understand why, though I said I'd like to know. Eventually we left, walking up to campus, and not having a lot to talk about.

6:30 PM

Continuing... We watched a couple of musicians, but by this time I found I wasn't really into being with her. I found her not as attractive to me as I had earlier thought, and I felt we didn't really have much in common, especially if she wasn't attracted to me, so I told her I was feeling strange, and wanted to be alone, which was true. So we walked back part way, then we split.

I felt funny about the scene, and somewhat guilty (?) about just wanting her for sex. Yet at the time I asked her, I felt like it, and if she had been similarly attracted to me, I think I'd have felt better about her, though I doubt in retrospect whether it would have lasted too long even if she was sexually attracted to me. But without that aspect, I just had no further energy to put into the situation.

So I shouldn't feel bad. I was honest with her all the way, and it was she that "rejected" me, after all.

The experience tells me I shouldn't get so far along with someone with whom I don't really have much in common, though I didn't know that until I'd talked with her for awhile.

So the way it worked out was fine. I felt a bit like "the hawk," however, leading her back to my nest, trying to seduce her, then abandoning her. But I was pleased, I guess, with the boldness I was able to muster, even if it came to naught.

Mike and I played some chess after I came home, then I went to Cici's after she called me. Then we came over here, after visiting Penny at work. But I've been very tired, and Cici is downstairs with other people.

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