The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Thursday, January 11, 1973 - 10:30 AM

Had a pretty interesting evening last night. Read Jung 'til about 10:30, then walked down to Pierre's. Share wasn't there, but after awhile a girl at a table started giving me the eye, though she was with someone else, and though I really couldn't tell if I dug her yet, I returned her look and smiled.

Finally she came over to me at the bar, asked my name, told me hers (Susan), told me I smiled a lot, that she liked me, that she was a topless bottomless dancer in Oakland, but might be getting a job at Pierre's, and said she'd like to dance with me after awhile.

By this time, I'd seen her standing, and knew she was tall and slim, and that she turned me on, and I gave her encouragement.

We danced awhile later, and she gave me her name and address, hoping I'd please call her, as she wanted to see me again, but couldn't be with me tonight, as she had to hang around with this guy who was going to get her a job.

I told her I would call her. She was very physical and sexy with me, and I returned it. And when she was dancing with another guy, she'd rub past my leg, and give me big smiles.

Anyway, there was also this other girl, who earlier told me she liked my smile, and who later came over and was talking with me with her friend. At about 1, I was just about to finish my beer and leave, when she came over and asked me to ride along to take her home.

I said, "okay," though I really didn't find her that attractive, but thought "what the hell, why not?"

So I said goodnight to Susan, who didn't want me to go, wanted me to dance some more, but I had to tell her that someone asked me to go home with her, and she said okay, she understood, so I told her I'd call her tomorrow (today), and left with the other girl, Sandy, who also, along with her friend Donna, was a topless bottomless dancer in Pleasanton.

So we went to Sandy's house, where we (us three and a guy named Gary) listened to music and talked. I got into telling about myself, and wasn't giving her any sexual encouragement, though I assumed I'd be staying with her.

But then Donna said she wanted to go to Walnut Creek with Gary, and asked if we wanted to go.

Sandy said no, but could they give me a ride home?

I was surprised, and I guess, a trifle put down, but didn't say anything, and was just as glad to leave, anyway.

Sandy said she had to get some sleep, implying that if I stayed, she wouldn't. So Donna and Gary dropped me off at my house.

It was a good night for my ego, having two different girls make plays for me, and I'm looking forward to getting it together with Susan. She's an out-front girl, and I dig her, though I'm not sure she's really my type, or that we'd have much in common, other than sex. But she sure turns me on.

I didn't sleep very well. I remember one flash from a dream where I'd shaved off my beard, but that's all.

Today's rainy and grey.

9 PM

It's been raining all day. I took the van and went out to get some wine and 7-up. Also baked a cake later.

Bob D came over awhile, and we rapped awhile in the kitchen, and had some wine.

Called Susan around 6. She said she hadn't thought I was going to call, and was glad I did. She's going to check out another job this evening, though she may get the job at Pierre's.

She wants to get together with me though, and will call me when she's finished this evening, which she hoped would be pretty early. So now I'm waiting for her call, and have been napping in the meantime, as I'm pretty tired, but looking forward to seeing Susan. She excites me.

Friday, January 12, 1993 - 11:15 AM

Waited for Susan to call last night, until about midnight, then went to Pierre's. Was disappointed not to hear from her, but I guess something came up so she couldn't get home early.

At Pierre's, I found Share, but she was with her black friend, Peter B. But I sat down and rapped with her awhile.

She was less exuberant and demonstrative with me than usual, but friendly. She said she was really stoned before arriving, and that's why she was quieter than usual. She said she was sorry she hadn't gotten over to visit on Sunday, but was still going to come see me soon.

I kissed her goodnight, and split after one beer.

Today is another rainy day. Hope I can get something going with Susan.

7:10 PM

Called Susan this afternoon. She was sorry she couldn't call me last night, but got "hung-up." Then today, she's going to Sacramento and won't be back until Sunday, when she'll call me.

Got a letter from Mary B. today, a nice letter, telling where she's at (feeling down on the study routine, but realizing she has a good situation basically). She wants to move out of 5638, but can't afford it. She doesn't get along with David A. She may go to Colorado next summer, giving me fantasies of meeting her there.

Went up to campus. Saw that the B.M.I. (Berkeley Marijuana Initiative) campaign needs its signatures by Monday, so I took a petition to circulate, then did that with Cici in her building.

Also called about the job possibility, but the person was busy and didn't call back yet.

Penny invited me to dinner, so I stayed. She's going out with Bruce tonight (Mr. A, as Cici calls him). I'll probably go out somewhere myself, maybe the Longbranch.

Saturday, January 13, 1973 - 7 AM

Dream: There are three political choices I can make, represented by three ships at three piers. I am told that one has already lost (Adlai Stevenson), so to choose between the other two, one of which is an old military man like MacArthur combined with Eisenhower, and the other is Nixon, or someone like that. At any rate I choose the one already said to have lost anyway, and go aboard this ship.

Then we are at sea and the ship is breaking up. Some men put an ape (like an orangutan, but not so ugly), with arms and legs tied, into a wooden box and set it adrift. I also abandon ship in a wooden rowboat, by myself, and either drift or row over near the ape.

First the ape's box starts to capsize, and I right it. Somehow we become able to communicate. We are talking about why he is tied up. I try to explain. He says he understands it is because he is too strong, I say yes, because the others are afraid of him.

Anyway, I don't remember untying it, but it becomes untied, and at one point my boat founders and almost capsizes. He reaches, suddenly grabs the edge of my rowboat and pulls it level again, righting it. We recognize now that we have each saved each other. From then on we are together, floating toward shore amongst a lot of wreckage.

At one point we see a plane (small private type). It is flying around. It is known that it is lost, as there's nowhere to land and/or it's landing gear is broken. Also there's a family with children in it. It makes an approach toward the beach, lands on the water just short of the beach, and is washed up by a breaking wave onto the beach, where the occupants jump out and are safe, before the empty plane washes back out with the receding wave.

The ape and I get to shore and stick together like trusted friends. We are wandering around among the survivors on the beach. At one place we are stopping at sort of a hut or open cabin where there's a lady I'd known before (unknown) and there's a large rabbit there. More like a live stuffed animal in shape than a real rabbit, about three feet tall. It's the lady's "pet" evidently. My small ape is wandering around, and is friendly to the rabbit.

At one point I call the ape over to me, as I fear that if it is seen wandering loose, "they" (the authorities) will have it put on a leash, or somehow confined. It understands this and comes over, sticking with me and riding sometimes on my shoulder.

The lady is simply an acquaintance from before the wreck, and we are chatting together. That's about all I recall.

12 Noon

Last night I went back over to Penny's with the idea of circulating a BMI petition, but then decided not to, and came home. After Penny went out, Cici called, and I went over again, stayed until about 11. But I wasn't feeling too well, had diarrhea.

Didn't really feel up for anything, but walked down to Pierre's anyway. There I saw Penny (but didn't see Bruce). But I left without having anything, as it was crowded and I didn't see anyone interesting to me.

When I got home, Ray was here, and met me in the upstairs hall. He was crashing in Martha's old room with a girl named Timmi. He said he'd been living with "the family" (the Moonies) for a week now, and was being gradually "brainwashed," but that Timmi had "saved" him.

He said it was like Narcissus and Goldmund. They had their Narcissus trip, their "heavenly father" trip together, but they were missing the "earthly mother."

This morning in the kitchen, I'm beginning to realize that Aysé rubs me the wrong way, in a manner similar to, but not as bad as Kathleen did. She argues about anything and everything, sets herself up as an authority on things she knows very little about, and does a lot of attention grabbing ego-tripping.

I'm not really sure how to deal with it, as I'd like to remain friends with her, if possible. It's like she has an "animus problem," as Jung would say.

1:40 PM

Took a walk up Telegraph and back. It's overcast, but mild out. Didn't see any interesting looking girls, however.

It occurred to me last night, thinking about Susan, and the fact that the way that we left things is that she'll call me when she gets back Sunday afternoon, that this puts me in a somewhat anxious position. It flashes me back to the weekend I lost Windy.

It scares me, I guess, to realize how much things can change over a weekend, and I fear on some level that the excitement between Susan and I will have worn off by Sunday, and she might not call.

This might explain why I've felt so itchy in the meantime, wanting to have a hedge against the possible disappointment, if things have changed by the time she gets back.

It also flashes me back to Cookie, and the times of waiting for her to call or come over, anxious times they always were.

But I know it's silly and useless to worry; that what will be, will be. But just the same, I can't help but get somewhat anxious.

Today: what to do? Torn between going on a motorcycle ride, taking that Quaalude, writing letters, hanging out.

5 PM

Took a motorcycle ride around town, but it didn't help my frame of mind. Then I went over to Penny's, and collected more signatures for the BMI in the building. Started to collect from other apartment buildings, then didn't, felt like I'd be intruding on people's privacy.

Walked around the Avenue some more, then came home. My mood is alienated, alone, separate, with no one to turn to, and no prospects or friends. Sort of discouraged and down, though I don't know why I should be.

12:30 Midnight

Took a nap in my room, feeling low until about 6, then went downstairs, had dinner. Cici called me to come over about 8 o'clock, so I did.

Penny and Ken came home around 10, and that was sort of a strange scene. They'd gotten ice cream, and Penny put out four plates, then when I was about ready to split, I said, "Are we all going to have ice cream?"

She acted like I wasn't invited, so I asked why she put out four plates. Anyway, I stayed for ice cream, then split.

Rode down to Pierre's. Share was there with Sparky, so I went over and kissed her, and said hi to Sparky, and as they didn't have any room at their table, I went to the bar.

They left after awhile, she without saying goodnight, so I caught her outside and said, "Hey, aren't you even going to say goodnight?"

So she said, "I'm sorry," and gave me a hug and kiss, and was pretty friendly, though overall, I guess I sense a cooling off in our relationship.

Also there was a pretty barmaid who smiled at me and said hi, told me that my smile reminded her of someone. Her name was Irene.

I told her mine. It was her first night there, though she'd worked there awhile back, she said.

When I left, I told her she was "outasight."

She said thanks, and told me to come back again some night, when she wasn't working so hard. She limps on her right leg, but she's got a fine slim body, and a pretty face. I could dig her a lot, and felt that she was pretty warm to me also.

Also saw Liz, who was in and out. She said Don was having a party, but I don't know where. Maybe at Kay's, I don't know, but he hadn't said anything to me.

I feel a lot better now, am glad I went out.

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