The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Thursday, December 21, 1972 - 10:50 AM

Just got home from a very high night with Share. But first let me review.

Yesterday afternoon, I visited Cici for awhile to make her some lunch, then walked around awhile. Almost stopped to visit Jackie, but didn't.

Later, I decided to go to the movies, if Penny wasn't using the car, and she wasn't, so I decided to go see a couple of porno films in San Francisco, Deep Throat and Teenage Fantasies, both of which I enjoyed. I smoked a joint on the way over.

On the way home, I stopped off at Pierre's around 11. Diana was there, but she hadn't given me very friendly vibes the last couple of times we'd met, so I just said "hi" and went to a table by myself.

Also there, was a dark-haired slim girl, whom I've seen there before, and at the Med. Our eyes met from a distance, and she gave me a very friendly "hi," and our eyes met a few times more during the evening, though she seemed to be with another guy. So next time I see her, I will talk to her and find out her name.

But then, Share came in, and I was glad to see her, went up and talked to her. She was with a guy named John, and they came over and joined me.

She was very friendly with me, and when, after my second beer, I said I thought I'd split, she said, "Please don't," and invited me to come home with her and "finish what we started the other night."

I said I'd really love to, so we each had another beer before we left. Her old man, Sparky (Ron), was there too, but with a different girl, and he came over and was very friendly to me, suggesting that they invite me to dinner some time.

Anyway, she took me home (actually, I drove her home), and after we got there (1:30 AM or so), she and John, and Marsha and Peter (from downstairs), and I smoked some dope, rapped, and listened to music for awhile.

Share and I were very affectionate, holding and stroking each other most of the time. Finally we said goodnight to the others, and went to her bedroom. I was tingly, and she was "all aquiver," and we were really digging each other. We slowly undressed each other and got into bed.

She went down on me first, then I on her, 'til she was very juicy, and we got together. We fucked awhile 'til I somehow lost my erection, but I assured her it would soon be back, so we sat together awhile, hugging and caressing, 'til I was ready again.

This time she turned over so I entered from the rear and we fucked that way for a long time, 'til I finally came, and she seemed to also. At least we were both incredibly "up there," digging it like crazy.

We lay together for a long time afterwards, falling asleep together. Though I didn't sleep hardly at all for the rest of the night, was just laying there close to her, savoring the feel of her superfine body next to mine, and really digging her as a person.

In the morning, after caressing a bit and both being ready, I entered her again, and we fucked good for awhile, 'til I found myself slipping off the side of the bed, and this broke the spell, and I lost my erection.

We lay together for awhile, but it didn't come back, so we eventually got up, feeling very close, and good with each other.

We roamed the house naked together awhile, getting coffee, and being very affectionate, and we smoked a joint and started telling each other our stories.

She told me about her and Pru and Davey, who were together very close for awhile, and I told her about our group, my changes, for a long time, getting to know each other pretty well.

Finally we took a shower together, got dressed, and left around 10:30, continuing to be very affectionate with each other. I was really high on her, and dig her a whole lot.

And though I'm sure she really digs me, I'm also pretty sure she wants to keep it as a free and independent type of relationship, not real close, except when we're occasionally together, which is cool with me, I guess, if I can see enough of her so I don't get painfully hung-up on her. I could really fall in love with her, but mustn't let myself get dependent on her.

So anyway, it was an incredibly graceful night, and my spirits are raised immeasurably.

We didn't leave it clear as to who'd get in touch with whom next, though I made it clear that I'd love to see as much of her as she could dig.

3:45 PM

Spent a nice afternoon with Cici, walking down to Shattuck Avenue to get a zipper for Penny.

Also rapped with Penny for awhile at By Hand. She told me that her friend Sheila had taken Share's old man, Sparky, home last night.

Now I'm still high from last night, but quite tired. I also felt attractive today, getting many friendly smiles from attractive girls. Nice.

Now I'll go shopping, then crash, I think.

Friday, December 22, 1972 - 11:30 AM

Napped yesterday afternoon 'til about 6:30 PM, when Cici called to ask me to make some dinner for her. So I went over there, stayed 'til 9, after Penny had gotten home with Elaine and Nancy. Then I came home and went to bed to catch up on lost sleep.

This morning is sunny and pretty mild out. Now I feel a bunch of time demands on me, related to Christmas. I should get presents for Penny and Cici, and I want to paint something for Share.

11:45 PM

Had a nice mellow day today, feeling high and relaxed. Went shopping on the Avenue with Cici in the afternoon. Saw lots of people, and got friendly smiles from some pretty girls.

After dropping off Cici, I did some more shopping on my own. Went over to the Occult Bookstore on Ashby, and met a girl who looked familiar. I asked her name, and we talked quite a bit. I don't think I'd met her before, though she did, when I told her my name.

Her name is Connie. But I know I was attracted to her somewhere before, and may have flirted with her from a distance.

We left the bookstore together, walked up to La Boheme, and sat and rapped awhile. Then we walked to her house on College Avenue, where I met a guy named John.

She's 28, works at the Albatross, has an old man, whom she's been supporting for four months, and indicated she's thinking of the possibility that they might split up, as she doesn't think their relationship is healthy for either of them, but is also considering moving to San Francisco with him.

She's also married, but is getting divorced from her husband. Anyway, she was friendly, and encouraging to me.

Also today, I ran into Deni, who gave me a kiss, Jackie, who was also very friendly and thanked me for the card I'd sent them, Anne (Lola), and Mary Lynn, who was dressed up for a party, and is leaving for Tennessee tomorrow to spend Christmas there.

This evening I brought Cici over here for dinner, worked on a painting for Share (a rainbow yin-yang in acrylics), then at around 10:30, walked down to Pierre's. There I sat with David (from Park & Shop) and a dude named Charlie, but they left soon.

I saw the girl there who reminds me of Gail a bit, and went up and said "hi" to her, and asked her name. It's Lorraine. She was friendly, but busy, so I didn't get to talk to her. No one else I knew was there, so I left about 11:40 and came home to go to bed.

I'm still high from Share, but don't feel I'm hung-up on her or anything, but could sure dig seeing more of her soon.

Saturday, December 23, 1972 - 11:30 AM

Had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Tossed and turned until around 6 AM, then finally slept 'til 10.

Had Share on my mind mostly, also Connie and Lorraine to lesser extents. Maybe I should have smoked a joint before going to bed.

12 Midnight

Spent the afternoon shopping (went to the winery on University Avenue), visiting Penny at the store, and wrapping my Christmas presents.

Around 4:30, I rode down to Share's house, but she was out doing her laundry. I called her a couple of times, but she didn't get home 'til around 7:30 or so, when I reached her.

She seemed quite friendly, and glad that I called.

I said I hoped we'd get a chance to get together again soon, and she said "of course," or something to that effect.

I asked her what she was doing tonight, but she said she was going to wash her hair and go to bed. I didn't push it, told her I'd stop in to visit her in the next couple of days.

Anyway, I felt good vibes from her, but was perhaps disappointed that she hadn't suggested we get together tonight, but perhaps that was for me to suggest, though I did, indirectly.

Later, I saw the light on at Jackie's and almost stopped in to visit, but didn't, after flipping a coin. I guess I felt I might be intruding at a bad time, though it could have been good as well. But I felt inhibited about it, and didn't.

Later, I went to Cici's, as Penny was out (to Pierre's with Sheila and the people from Lord of the Rings). I watched TV with Cici until 11:30, got stoned, and then came home.

I've been feeling emotional conflict about Share this evening, feeling that she digs me, but I find myself very insecure about the relationship, because of my uncertainty over what to expect in the way of a relationship with her.

I find myself falling in love with her, but wanting to see her and be with her almost all the time, or as much as possible, and then fearing that it is not mutual in that respect, and that I won't get much chance to see her actually, and that she won't want to see me all that much, just once in a while.

This leaves me anxious and needing to clarify what kind of a relationship we might have, as it seems like it could range from a passionate love affair, in which we focus a lot of energy on each other over a short period of time, to a casual, once in awhile involvement without much real intimacy or commitment, in which case I'd still have to be looking for a primary love affair with someone else, which would make me feel "unfaithful" to Share, unless this were clarified between us.

I find that I feel like the woman must feel in casual relationships with men, i.e., am I just a "one night stand?" or are we to have a love relationship with mutual emotional involvement and mutual care?

Anyway, though I find myself with some conflict in the situation, I feel I must hold out a bit longer before trying to clarify the situation, as this in itself could be destructive to it. But I guess I have some fear of getting hurt too.

Sunday, December 24, 1972 - 12:15 Noon

Last night about 1 AM, I went downstairs to see the replay of the of the Dallas - San Francisco game on TV, and ended up watching the rest of it until 3 AM. It was a good game.

Slept pretty well for the rest of the night until 11 this morning, but had to wait for the bathroom 'til 11:30 or so. Don't remember any dreams.

Today is sunny, though a bit chilly, I think. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess I'll walk around and see what's happening, for starters.

8 PM

Today I wandered around. Visited Penny at By Hand. She told me she'd met Share and Sparky at Pierre's last night, and that she and her friends had spent the evening with them.

I was a bit hurt, as Share had told me she was going to bed after washing her hair, though I'm sure it could have been a legitimate change of plans. Yet I realize it bothers me a little, makes me worry that I'm not seeing reality clearly, or that I'm laying too much onto the situation.

Visited Cici for a few minutes but she didn't want me there, so I left in a little while.

I also walked up Telegraph and up onto campus awhile, as it was a pretty day and I was feeling meditative. Walked up to the clock tower, but didn't go up.

Later, I had some more thoughts about the painting I'd done for Share. I pretty much decided not to give it to her, as I came to feel it is too personal a gift, and might be a source of conflict if she hung it in her room, or if she didn't really dig it or didn't put it anyplace, I would probably be hurt. At any rate, it seemed like a potential problem if I gave it to her, so I decided not to, unless she should see it here and admire it.

Monday, December 25, 1972 - 2 PM - Christmas day

Got interrupted writing this last night, so I'll continue to review: Around 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon, I went over to Jackie, Deni, and Sue's house, and gave them a bottle of wine.

There were some guys there, John (I think, who seems to be Jackie's old man), Kyle, and Eric. After awhile, Reid and Clark showed up. Jackie was hosting us all, and there was a keg of beer.

I passed out the joints I'd brought, and we smoked them. Got pretty stoned. Sue also came in. They invited me back late in the evening, and I said I thought I'd come (but didn't).

Left just before sunset, and rode up the hill to watch it. It was a very clear day. Tried to call Share, but she wasn't home.

After dinner, as I was writing this, Ray (Martha's friend) and a girl named Mary came over, and I invited them to have some wine. So we did and had a nice rap, 'til Penny came and picked me up at about 9:30, to go home with her and wrap presents for Cici.

Spent a nice evening with her, though she did bring up some subjects which were heavy, such as: divorce, our changes, her feeling that we probably wouldn't get back together in a marriage relationship, and that she thought she'd finished "grieving" for me. I doubt this.

Anyway, I didn't let it threaten me, told her I thought the future was quite open to possibilities, that I still felt we have a good bond, and commitment for caring, that we are still each other's family. Anyway, it was resolved okay, we got stoned together, and went to bed about 2.

We didn't make love on going to bed, but woke up together in the early morning (around 4 AM), got aroused, and made love for the first time in over four months, and felt very good with each other from then on.

Got up around 10:30, opened presents, and had a nice morning together. Cici really liked all her stuff, as did Penny.

Elaine came over and was with us until I left a few minutes ago.

Tried to call Share again, but she wasn't home again. No one was.

Today's a beautiful sunny day.

I'll be with Cici later this afternoon.

End of Volume 4

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