The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Sunday, November 26, 1972 - 11:20 AM

Well, last night turned into an interesting evening after all. After watching the end of Vonnegut's Space Fantasy (which was great) on TV with Mike, I walked down to Pierre's to see if anything was happening.

There I saw Liz, with Carl and a girl named Diana or Diane. I joined them for awhile, then we all went to a party which Carl knew of at a girl named Sue's house.

Anyway, it turned out to be at Jackie and Deni's house near ours, where Sue also lives, and it was a pretty nice scene.

Jackie was pretty friendly to me, said she was really glad to see me. Sue was somewhat cool, but open. I also met and talked to, or danced with; Betty, Marsha, Mary (very quiet), and Mary Jane, and I had a pretty good time overall, though not pairing off with any of the girls for more than a few minutes.

There were some black dudes there, friends of Sue's, I think, who were into coming on strong with the women, some of whom were impressed with their ways (Marsha, Sue). But not Liz, who got into a long rap with one of them about why they turn her off.

At one point, Liz and I got to talking, and she told me (in the spirit of constructive criticism) that I was "boring," that I had a nice body and nice face, but that I was "boring."

We got to talk about it a little, and I've been thinking about it a lot this morning. She went home with Reid, whom she'd known for a long time.

In thinking about what she said, I can see the validity from her perspective, yet I can rationalize it a lot, too. One, we are different with different people. The way I relate to her may well be boring, but that's as much a function of her, and the relationship we have, as it is of me.

Liz seems to have a pretty clear view of the world, and is out-front about it. Everything gets quickly categorized and disposed of. She's "in control" of her world, and there's not much anyone can do to show her anything different.

Maybe my being "boring" with her is a defense mechanism of some sort against her aggressiveness, i.e., I'm threatened by her aggressiveness and defend against it unconsciously.

Also she hasn't tapped into the areas in which I'm "interesting." And I've never really allowed myself to "be myself" with her completely.

This may be something I do, keeping myself at a distance, or keeping my defenses up, until I feel "safe," or liked, by the other person. Anyway, I've never gotten to the point with her that I get to with girls I fall in love with, of accepting her unreservedly. I guess I got hung up on the negative sides of her aggressiveness.

Anyway, I can pretty much accept that I am boring to her, and to some other girls as well, but thankfully, not all. But there are also the positive aspects, such as stability, and dependability, that go with boring. Then there is the opposite, which is true also, that in some ways I am interesting, or even exciting, though obviously, not to everyone.

5:30 PM

Today has been a pretty high day. I walked up Telegraph, and ran into a girl who looked familiar to me. It turned out to be Patti, from Wheeler's Ranch.

We went to the Med awhile, and had a really good rap about her, Wheeler's, David and the Oak Grove family, which she had joined and been with for months 'til it split apart, the incident with Francis, her family, etc.

Also, Mary Jane, from the party last night, came in and joined us for a little while.

Then Patti and I came over to my place, smoked a joint, and got into more cosmic rapping about astrology, the Tarot, etc. She's incredibly articulate about cosmic things, and I raised some of the issues that have been bothering me, and we talked about them, finding ourselves very much in touch.

After awhile, I walked her down to Ashby Avenue, where she would hitchhike to Walnut Creek to visit her parents. We both told each other how high a day it had been for each of us. She said the energy of it would carry her for a few days.

And we were pretty naturally affectionate with each other on the way. Saying goodbye, we hugged, and kissed. I told her I felt we were really good friends, and that I'd really be glad if she stopped to visit me, whenever.

She said she would. I hope she does.

I found her to be an incredibly high person, very together, and very articulate about where she was at. I would really dig getting something together with her if she wanted to.

Later, I went over to Penny's, and we talked for a long time, about Wheeler's, Alice, Liz finding me boring, etc. Finally I came home.

I think I'll spend a quiet evening for a change, listen to my new album, The Ship, reflect on where I am, etc.

As I was telling Penny, I'm very ambivalent about going to Washington. Things seem to be picking up here, so I'm reluctant to leave, I fear a hurt from Cookie, and it will be expensive.

Yet I think (feel) it could be an "opportunity," a last visit to my boyhood home, and maybe I shouldn't try to "possess" the things that seem to be happening here.

So anyway, I have a conflict about it. I think I'll sit on it for a day or so, and maybe throw a hexagram.

Monday, November 27, 1972 - 11:45 AM

Last night I spent a quiet evening at home. I called Penny and Cici and invited them over to listen to The Ship, but Cici didn't want to, so Penny came by herself around 9.

I listened to it by myself before she arrived, then we listened to it together, and had a nice evening together, though a couple of times I felt a little hostility between us, which I passed over. I walked her home afterwards.

Patti has been on my mind pretty much since I saw her. I think she liked me pretty much, and I would sure dig it if she came back to see me soon. I think I would ask her to stay with me awhile.

I know I could fall in love with her (I've already started), and I think we could have a real good thing together. I feel I could learn a lot from her. But I mustn't get carried away by the idea, 'cause it just might not be where she is. But it could sure be nice.

Today Kay is talking about moving out again. She was crying this morning earlier, but I don't know what about. My feelings about her are more mellow than they had been, but I guess I agree that it would be best for the house if she leaves.

Tuesday, November 28, 1972 - 11:10

Yesterday, I walked to campus and also down to Shattuck Avenue to deposit some of the money from our investments into our savings account. Visited with Penny a few minutes. Said hi to Batiya at the Med. But it was mostly an empty day. Penny invited me over for dinner.

Before going over to Penny's, I called up Share. We chatted a bit. I told her I wasn't sure where we were with each other, but that I liked her a lot, and hoped, though I didn't know her situation, that we could see each other sometime.

She said she didn't know either, said the last thing she remembered was when we were holding hands. Anyway, I gave her my number and address, so she could call if she wanted, and we left it that we'd probably run into each other from time to time. It was a friendly conversation, and put the situation in better perspective.

Had dinner at Penny's. Stayed until about 8:30. We related okay, but weren't really into much with each other. I played cards with Cici for awhile, and Penny worked on her sewing.

Came home, watched TV and got stoned with Mike, Martha, Kathleen, Sheldon, and Big Andy. Watched a Bergman flick, Summer Interlude.

Still thinking a lot about Patti, hoping it will happen. Feeling that she did really dig me when we split, and that there's a fair possibility that she might want me as well, and might come back.

I think I remember her saying that her sandals would be ready Tuesday, so she might come back to Berkeley and come to see me. I hope so.

1:40 PM

I've been meditating (and almost falling asleep) for the last forty minutes or so, since coming home from my walk up to campus.

Saw Diana, and she hardly acknowledged me. Also saw Evie and Robin, but was mostly preoccupied with Patti, and not really up for anything else happening, and nothing did.

Also remembered that I had vaguely recalled dreams last night and the night before.

The night before, I recall a homosexual sequence with Don (Penny's friend). I was not totally open, but was going along with it anyway.

A later sequence was a sexual one between Windy and me, but I can't recall any details.

And last night's was another "fugitive" dream. I and a few others were being pursued across the countryside. We were soldiers? who had defected, or something like that. Very vague.

I'm still in doubt about the Washington trip, but leaning slightly negative, because of the expense, and because of possibly missing Patti if she should come. Also I see it as a conflict between the past and the future within me, that I will have to sacrifice one for the other in this decision.

I threw a hexagram, receiving 59 Huan / Dispersion (Dissolution), with changing lines in the second and fifth positions, changing to 23 Po / Splitting Apart. "...when a man's vital energy is dammed up within him, gentleness serves to break up and dissolve the blockage." "THE JUDGMENT. DISPERSION. Success. The king approaches his temple. It furthers one to cross the great water. Perseverance furthers."

"Nine in the second place means: At the dissolution He hurries to that which supports him. Remorse disappears." "When an individual discovers within himself the beginnings of alienation from others, of misanthropy and ill humor, he must set about dissolving these obstructions. He must rouse himself inwardly, hasten to that which supports him. Such support is never found in hatred, but always in a moderate and just judgment of men, linked with good will. If he regains this unobstructed outlook on humanity, while at the same time all saturnine ill humor is dissolved, all occasion for remorse disappears."

"Nine in the fifth place means: His loud cries are as dissolving as sweat. Dissolution! A king abides without blame." "In times of general dispersion and separation, a great idea provides a focal point for the organization of recovery. Just as an illness reaches its crisis in a dissolving sweat, so a great and stimulating idea is a true salvation in times of general deadlock."

23 Po / Splitting Apart - "It does not further one to go anywhere." "Hence it is not cowardice but wisdom to submit and avoid action."

These hexagrams do not clarify my situation for me, with regard to the trip to Washington, though I did not ask specifically about that. The first one says "it furthers one to cross the great water," but the second says, "it does not further one to go anywhere." Does this simply reflect the conflict within myself?

Maybe later I'll throw a specific hexagram concerning the matter.

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