The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Thursday, October 26, 1972 - 2:10 PM

Went up to campus yesterday. No sign of Heidi, nor of the record-selling girl.

After hanging around awhile, I did go over and sit next to a cute girl, and rapped with her for awhile. Her name was Jill. She had dark hair, was cute, nice figure, a sophomore, reading Anthropology.

When she was leaving, I asked if she wanted to go on a motorcycle ride after her exam. She said she couldn't, had to work. I felt good about "taking the risk," and that it had been easy.

Then I visited with Penny. Don was there.

I paid some bills, then later met Cici when she got home from school, as Penny was working.

Then I went shopping, and rode over to the day-old bakery for some stuff, some of which I donated to the house, which was appreciated.

After dinner, a few of us watched George McGovern's speech, after making music together, and smoking some joints in the kitchen; Sheldon, Mike, Andy, and I.

McGovern's speech was really heavy, and could, I think, begin to turn the tide in his favor. He put forth a call for "a new morality" and "a new integrity."

We watched TV awhile, 'til Andy suggested we listen to music, so we all went up to my room and had a good stoned rap, with music in the background. Martha and Kathleen joined us too.

I felt good with Martha, but Kathleen seemed to me to untrack the rap time and time again, with her side trips unrelated to the previous topic of conversation.

It was a pretty fair evening though, with some "communion" among members of the household.

Today was overcast this morning, with a little sun here and there.

I wore one of my macramé pendants for the first time in a couple of months. It was like putting on a "religious medallion" in a way, calling back the "sacred times" among the five of us in Chicago. And I felt noticed, attractive, wearing it.

No sign of Heidi or the other girl, but again I was able to approach and talk with a girl I didn't know. Her name was Robin. She had a broken leg, was reading Women in Love. She's an Art student at Cal, blonde, attractive face, but bigger than is attractive to me, which I couldn't tell 'til she stood up. But she was nice, and we had a nice talk, making friends.

I also saw Susie again, with whom I'd rapped the other day. She said "hi" to me first, and seemed quite interested in me. I don't really think she's my type, however.

Also ran into Carol. She said "hi" to me, and I almost didn't see her, walking right past, then seeing her.

She put some energy into the conversation, however, and I had to reopen the question as to whether she is interested in me at all. Maybe, but I'm no longer sure whether I'm really interested in her.

The ups and downs relating to emotional involvements are somewhat baffling, very changeable and unpredictable.

Friday, October 27, 1972 - 9:50 AM

Called Dr. Batt again yesterday. He still didn't have any hopes about my getting into the clinic, in the near term, so I told him that I was at a place where I felt analysis could help me make some real progress, and that perhaps I could get in with a regular analyst for awhile.

So he gave me a name, Dr. Yandell, whom I called, and I will go see him next Wednesday morning to set things up.

Last evening, Penny called to invite me over, so I spent the evening with her until 11, when I came home for a house meeting that didn't happen. We had a quiet evening together, watched some TV, smoked some dope, and rapped about what we're each into.

Today looks like another nice day.

2:30 PM

Went up to campus, after calling about that job, but Barry wasn't in today.

On campus, I sat next to a girl who attracts me, but we didn't have much to say, and she left.

Went down to the free rock concert at noon, saw Martha, and walked her over to the pottery lab afterwards. Also saw Evie and talked to her. No sign of Heidi though.

On the way down Telegraph Avenue, the record-selling girl was there. I asked her about the Elton John concert, and she said it was good.

Also asked her name. It's Debbie. Chatted with her for a few minutes, but didn't get any strong response, but nothing negative either.

Stopped in at Penny's on the way home. She's having cramps, started her period.

I also stopped in at Moe's Bookstore, and was reading in a new Hesse book, Autobiographical Writings. His rising sign was also Sagittarius, as is mine. His father died in 1916, just before he went through a bunch of changes and got into Jungian analysis (he was 38 or 39), which parallels my own experience.

I was reminded of my dream of a while back (October 10), where I had to write a paper on someone, and was looking for someone like Hermann Hesse instead of a business leader. Anyway, I identify very strongly with Hesse.

I'm feeling pretty good today, (though still empty), and I guess I'm looking forward to getting into Jungian analysis.

4:30 PM

Walked up to campus again. Gave an apple to Debbie on the way. She seemed pleased. I didn't stop to talk.

Ran into Susan (Scientology) up on campus. We chatted. She said she'd found her "true love." She said she noticed ways in which she would have spoiled the whole thing, if not for what she'd learned in her Scientology quest.

I avoided Debbie on the way home. I wanted to give her time to absorb my message (that I dig her) without coming on too strong for her.

10:30 PM

Penny called to tell me about selling another dress that she'd made. We rapped awhile, and I invited myself to dinner there. We got stoned and watched TV together and with Cici.

We got into an argument over Cici's bedtime though, which we resolved satisfactorily. I had first told Cici it was bedtime at 9:30, when normally she's been staying up until 10 on weekends, and Penny jumped in and agreed with me. But when I found out that she usually goes to bed at 10, I felt her sense of unfairness, and asked her about it, wanting to be fair.

When Penny insisted she go to bed at 9:30 because of the Fair tomorrow, I switched sides and asked Penny to be fair. Penny got very defensive, wouldn't look at the fairness question, but insisted on her authority in the matter, despite all arguments.

We finally apologized to each other for the parts where we weren't seeing each other's point of view. She admitted that my suggesting one thing made her opposed to it, regardless of what it was. She apologized for making me "feel like an outsider," though I hadn't noticed that.

Sunday, October 29, 1972 - 8:30 AM (back on standard time)

Friday night, after getting home, I was pleasantly surprised when Drew B showed up. He'd just driven forty straight hours (in a new Cadillac Coupe de Ville he was transporting from Detroit) from Iowa City, and was on his way to the Oakland Terminal to be shipped out to Korea. We got stoned, and stayed up rapping 'til about 1:30 AM.

Yesterday, the Live Oak Arts Fair started. Drew had some things to do, and met us there later.

I took Cici for her psychological testing at noon. She did very well, qualifying easily for the "high potential program." The psychologist, Dr.  Beez, said she handled herself very maturely, and her results were 14 or 15 year level in verbal abilities, and 15 year level in Math (she'll be ten years old next January). She felt very good about it, and was very happy for the rest of the day.

At the Fair, I exchanged looks and smiles with a girl named Marda (I  went over and talked with her after a few minutes). She's from Martinez, and does leather work.

Pretty soon Drew showed up, and Penny was glad to see him. We closed up early, as Penny had sold all her cookies anyway, and we drove to Hayward so Drew could turn in his Cadillac.

Then we stopped at Payless, took a drive up the hill (just past sunset), went to Kip's for dinner, then to Penny's, where we looked at my old Korea slides and got stoned.

While Penny was baking more cookies, Drew and I played two games of chess (I won both), then finally, at Drew's suggestion, took a drive to San Francisco, smoking a couple of more joints and visiting Fisherman's Wharf.

Today he has to report in, by noon.

Monday, October 30, 1972 - 10:10 AM

Yesterday, Drew and I went by motorcycle over to the fair, where he said goodbye to Penny, then I drove him to the Oakland Army Terminal and we said goodbye.

I went back to the Fair, where I hung around and helped out for the rest of the day.

Saw and rapped with Marda again for awhile. She lives in a red house on the corner of Pine and Warren in Martinez, and told me to drop by if I ever get over there. I said I would, and also told her my address.

Also saw Leslie, Liz, and Tain there, but on the whole, there were very few attractive girls around.

I finally convinced Cici to take a short motorcycle ride, and she liked it.

Drew called in the evening, and hadn't been shipped out yet, so I went over and picked him up and we spent another evening together, watching Yellow Submarine on TV, smoking, playing chess (we each won a game) and rapping, before I had to get him back by midnight.

Last night was quite cold and windy, and the fuse for my room was blown. Also the wind broke a pane of glass in my window, slamming it around. But today's bright and sunny, though chilly.

1:50 PM

Went up to campus. I'm feeling a little bit down right now. Heidi finally showed up. She said she'd been to L.A. for a week. She was with David, the guy I've seen with Leslie a few times.

When I heard her, and went over to listen, she smiled at me, and gave me a fair amount of attention (though not as much as last time), and I thought she remembered me.

Afterwards, her throat was sore, and I gave her a Cert I had in my pocket. Also she told me (when I asked) that she lives on Grove near Ashby, and that she plays at the Oddyssey on San Pablo on Thursday nights.

But she didn't seem as warm to me this time, had seemed to have forgotten our previous encounter, did ask my name though, and wasn't unfriendly.

She was just as attractive to me though, but now seems more unattainable. She left with David, towards Telegraph.

On my way down Telegraph, I ran into Debbie, who was standing talking to a guy. She was friendly, said "hi," and I said a big "hi" to her.

So both situations are big question marks for me.

5:35 PM

Met Cici at 2:45. Penny went to San Francisco with Don, and will be there this evening.

Peter Acton returned today also. Dorit wasn't home, so he came over to my place and we rapped and smoked a joint.

He'd gotten beaten up by a cowboy in Wyoming. Since leaving here, he'd been to Atlanta, Boston, Canada, and places in between. Next he's going to Mexico, so I told him I'd give him Alice's name and address.

Drew called again and still hasn't been shipped out, so I'm about to go get him now.

Tuesday, October 31, 1972 - 4:40 AM

Dreams: A long dream where Cici and I are fugitives for some reason. We've illegally reentered the country for some reason. But there is a continuous search for people like us, and we have to be continuously on the move and hiding from the authorities, who spring elaborate searches from time to time, all of which we eventually elude to remain safely in the country. To do so, we have to go through all sorts of pretenses and hiding trips. We are running across country paths on the side of a mountain, pretending to be in a race of some sort (they check Cici's running shoes), hiding under a mattress in a shed for a certain kind of worker up on the mountain, and continually barely eluding the authorities.

It seems also that Cici changes throughout the dreams, sometimes to a beautiful girl companion, and that sometimes I have someone else with me, who's a buddy in the same predicament, someone like Drew B or Cecil, or someone. There's a sense of satisfaction at the end for having made it successfully through numerous close calls.

7:25 AM

It was so cold I had to use my sleeping bag after writing the above. Can't remember what I was going to write, but think it was about dream images I had about my anima. Now I can't remember.

11:45 AM

Dream images of my anima kept recurring in a hypnogogic or dream state all morning. I slept 'til 11.

This girl was the central character, and I was either in the background not involved, or was assisting her. I can't remember any particulars, however.

9:15 PM

I had a slight discharge again this morning. So I went to the Free Clinic and made an appointment for tonight, from which I just got home. They gave me some more tetracyclene.

After making the appointment, I walked up Durant, and Debbie was just rolling her record rack up to the corner, so I gave her a hand.

I was up on campus awhile, but was feeling withdrawn and somewhat down. It's a combination, I think, of feeling dragged out after four straight late stoned nights with Drew, so being very tired, and about being sexually incapacitated, and feeling discouraged about the possibilities with either Heidi or Debbie.

Walking back home, I stopped again at Debbie's stand, engaged in surface chat for a few moments with her, but didn't feel any encouragement from her, so departed, giving her my Daily Californian to read.

I think it's time I made my stand with her, telling her that though I don't know anything about her personal life, I'm attracted to her and would like to get to know her better.

But maybe that's too formal an approach. But I can't think of a casual way to do it.

Tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. Yandell. Haven't thought much about it at a conscious level, but feel it may be an important step for me.

Visited with Penny and Cici tonight, for dinner. I'd stopped by this afternoon, but Penny had asked me to leave, as Don was there and they were in the middle of a scene.

She told me later that she finally told him it was over between them, as their being together was no longer pleasant but had become a drag.

Tonight I went with her to pick up Cici from a friend's party. There were other parents, mostly straight, though some had beards. I felt a bit out of place, but not enough to bother me. Cici had a good time.

Now I'm reviewing my dreams from the last couple of weeks.

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