The Dana Street Saga

Life in Berkeley thirty years ago;
Searching for love and meaning

Friday, October 13, 1972 - 5 AM

Dreams: Laying awake, I remembered some fragments of dreams I'd been having, but I can't put the fragments together very well.

There was a part about a landscape in "Northern Ireland," where it was very idyllic and beautiful. At one time, Mary B. and I were talking about it, with the idea of going there together. There was a green bluff overlooking the sea, with brown shingle cottages there, and there were some green fields away from the coast a bit. Also there was a baseball game being announced at one point there, in which an Irish hero type hit a long home run on one of those green fields.

Also at one time, I had a sketch book, full of paintings, some of which dealt with that area, that I was showing to Mary B. and someone else I think, but I didn't get to show the whole book. The ones I saw were pretty good though.

At this later time, this other guy suggested the possibility of going there to Mary, and she said something to the effect of "perhaps." I was feeling a bit annoyed, as I had been thinking of it with her, but somehow we'd known we'd never do it. There was some insight about our "dreams" connected to this.

There was another connected fragment (somehow) about a course I was taking. A page had a description of something by the professor, and I wanted him to allow a special project or something that had to do with this same place. That's about all.

10 AM

On later waking up, I remember a couple of more fragments from later dreams.

One had to do with my stepmother, Alice. She was very suggestive toward me, and soon we were French kissing.

Also there was a segment where I was running naked with a bunch of people along a path to a dock. On the dock was a kid who said he was Ed Kennedy, I think. This made me careful not to offend him (because of his family power), and we went out on the dock.

I got stuck in some quicksand, but managed to free myself. I warned the kid, but he played in it anyway. That's about all.

It's a beautiful day out today, sunny and breezy, with bright blue sky. Also, it's Friday the thirteenth. I have a job interview at 11.

Yesterday, over at Starr King, I saw a work-study job list, one of which looked interesting, and called for computer programming knowledge, so I called, and they were interested in me even if I wasn't in the work-study plan.

Also yesterday, I watched the playoff game, rode up to campus for awhile, and played a few games of chess with Andy.

2 PM

Went to my job interview at 11, and it went well. The guy I talked to, Barry Gordon, was a freak, looking very much like me. He was encouraging, said he'd like to have me there, but to check back in about a week.

I felt pretty good afterwards, and walked over to campus. The girl who plays the lute (no, I don't think that's what it is) and sings, was starting. I stopped to listen.

She focused a lot of energy on me, practically singing directly to me, though a large crowd gathered, and smiling at me intently. I was a pushover for her, and just about fell in love with her on the spot.

When she was almost finished, however, a guy, Steve?, with a dog named Licorice, came up, whom she knew, and it looked like he was her old man, but he didn't leave with her, so I don't know.

There were some others she greeted with hugs too, so I don't know.

I told her I really dug her singing, and asked her name.

She said it was Heidi, didn't ask my name, but told me I have "a nice smile."

But she was busy with friends, so I couldn't talk to her, but I asked if she'd be back, and she said Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I waited on the other side of the plaza, hoping to see her if she walked out alone, but she was talking to friends a long time.

I saw Mike, with a girl named Jamie, and sat with them for a few minutes.

After awhile I saw Heidi start to walk towards Sather Gate so I went that way too, but she paused to talk to some other musicians, and I went past to wait for her further up.

But there I got talking for a long time with a girl named Susie, from Chicago, and L.A., who lives at Fulton and Channing, fairly cute, but not really my type, I think, but nice. We talked a long time, 'til Bob Dozor came up. Soon I left.

Heidi was gone, hadn't come past me, so I don't know where she is. But she captured my heart (if she wants it) and I hope I see her again soon. She's slim, attractive, lovable, warm. I could really dig her, I'm sure, and she sure turned the attention on me for some reason.

It has clouded over by now and looks like rain soon, in fact it is just starting.

Got a letter from Gail today. It was nice to hear from her, but the tone, though friendly, was a little bit distant or impersonal, I'm afraid.

She mentioned that it's been hard for her and Brad getting together after the summer, that they've both been through some changes, more drastic than they'd realized, and they had to "hack through some resentments," but seemed to be doing basically okay, busy with things in Benton Harbor.

5 PM

It's been raining most of the afternoon.

Played some chess with Andy. Went shopping for groceries. Went over to Penny's store to see if she wanted to go see Sympathy for the Devil and Yellow Submarine with me tonight. She said sure.

I haven't seen Carol since last Friday. I feel a little bad about it, hoping that I'm not laying a bad trip on her, but I'm afraid there's just not much energy in the situation for me, and I don't get any real indication that there is for her either.

I haven't felt any enthusiasm for me from her. If I had, I think we'd be into a relationship by now.

I guess I'm feeling less needy for a relationship now, though would like one, if a good one comes along, like Heidi, for example. She could really turn me on.

But I don't feel a great deal of urgency, however.

Saturday, October 14, 1972 - 12:45 Noon

Last night I dropped about a third of a tab of acid before going to Penny's for dinner at 6:30. Then we went to see Sympathy for the Devil and Yellow Submarine at the Washington School auditorium, both of which were great and heavy movies.

Sympathy for the Devil seemed to be about the heaviest movie I've ever seen, dealing with the question of good and evil. The evil in each of us was clearly shown, our shadow sides revealed, all implicated in the horror that goes on among all people in all times.

And The Yellow Submarine was as far-out in its own way, a modern hero myth, with "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" as a heavy anima song, all very cosmic.

Penny and I noticed how much we'd forgotten, or not seen at all, when we saw it before, back in New Jersey in 1968 or 1969, whenever it was. I now think it's one of the great movies of all time.

The acid had me seeing the opposites of everything in full splendor, the ironies and paradoxes of life.

I felt very close to Penny in a close, long-term, loving way. As I told her, she's part of my "real family" (with Cici), and we'll always have a bond.

I stayed the night with her, and we were close and loving, though we didn't make love. It wasn't necessary, and we were still a bit worried about my infection, which I think (I hope) is just about gone.

I had a heavy dream, which is hard to describe. It was a scene in which we (?) had been involved in something that for us was a good thing, a sacred experience, yet to outside appearances, seemed to be an outrage on the morals of the community we were in.

As we wake up in the morning, we become aware that our "sacred experience" (I don't remember just what it was) can be looked upon by others as an outrage.

There's someone, or someone's shirt, I'm not sure which, lying in the street with the name Peter Fleck (He is in reality the Chairman of the Board of the theological school I attended) and I don't know what other "evidence." We are in religious robes, preparing to do a mass of some sort in the morning, and getting ourselves together after the previous night's experience, but as we are about to come out and do it, someone (George Wallace) starts "preaching" about the "outrage" and sin that we have committed in their town. It's very ominous, but we come out to do our mass anyway, and I wake up with the situation unresolved.

It reminds me of our "celebration service" at theological school, where the five of us expressed our sense of the sacred, and some others were shocked by the service and by the situation that we five were in.

It also tied in with the good / evil theme of Sympathy for the Devil, and how good can be transformed to evil and vice-versa. Very heavy.

Came home around noon today to have breakfast, and watched the end of the first world series game with Mike, Sheldon, Andy, and Bob.

6:05 PM

Took Cici to see The Phantom Tollbooth this afternoon. It was pretty good, but she said she liked the book better. We had a nice time together. I'm invited for dinner again tonight.

I've been taping some Leon Russell records.

On the way home, one of the girls in the house around the corner had her head out the window. She said "hi," and asked if I'd ever found the kitten.

I said no.

We chatted a few minutes and I asked her name. It's Jackie. She's sort of cute.

Sunday, October 15, 1972 - 5 AM

Dreams: Some segments dealing with dope outdoors. In one I've left my dope in a little pile on the ground. A seagull lands next to it and seems to pick up a piece and fly over to a little box, that has a cloth hanging over the entrance. I go over to the box, am laying or standing beside it so my head is at box level, I push on the cloth and the seagull comes out and stands on my face. I keep my eyes closed because I'm worried it will peck my eyes, and I wave my arms at it and it flies away. I don't know if I recover any of the dope.

A little later, Mike, who is also there, is about to leave and is out of dope. Mine is woven into a little rope. I break off a piece a few inches long to give him. He says "that's too much," breaks off a smaller piece and hands the rest back. I accept, as I had broken off a bigger piece than I really wanted to give away, as I wanted to be generous to my friend.

An earlier segment deals with someone saying that smoking dope causes a buildup on the walls which can be detected, or something. That's about all.

9:30 AM

A later dream: There's someone who's hassling me or interfering with me in some way. He has a gun and has threatened me with it. I somehow get him covered with a gun of my own when he comes over, and manage to take his gun away.

A girl (I don't know who she is) helps me while I keep him covered. I finally send her for the police. Oh yes, I've been having trouble loading the bullets into my gun properly.

1:15 PM

Last evening I had dinner at Penny's, then stayed 'til 11. She was gone most of the time with Don, who'd wanted to talk to her, and who has become somewhat of a problem to her with him hurting all the time.

She wants to withdraw from him and minimize the hurt in the process, and she's feeling some guilt and resentment toward him.

I can identify with him a lot, thinking back on my relationship with Gail in particular.

Today started off nice, but has now gotten overcast and cold.

I watched the second World Series game on TV, then took a motorcycle ride around town. Guess I'll spend a quiet day reading.

7:30 PM

I went back to bed this afternoon after reading some Jung and meditating a bit.

Then Lisa (staying with Penny temporarily) called up, and challenged me to some chess.

I said sure, and she came over, and we played about four or five games, all of which I won, though she gave me very good games, and almost had me once or twice. We got stoned, and finished off my cookies too.

Then I had dinner here, and don't know what to do tonight.

I may go to a movie, but may not also. I'm feeling somewhat lonely, yet am pretty content about waiting until a chance to see Heidi again before going out looking for somebody again. Besides, Sunday afternoon and evening are pretty poor for finding anyone anyway.

Also, the only kind of girls I'm really open to now are attractive ones that show some sort of interest in me, as Heidi did.

And I've sort-of fallen in love with her already, at least lean heavily in that direction, so am not really very open to anyone else anyway, until I've further checked out the situation with her.

10:20 PM

I went to an X-rated movie over at the Telly Rep, which, though very graphic, was ultimately disappointing. It was called Behind the Green Door.

Now I have a headache, and am quite tired.

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